2 weeks

Its been two weeks since I last felt fractured, lost, frustrated and angry. Its been two weeks since I stood on the cliff not knowing whether to jump or walk away. Questioning my faith in the world and questioning my faith in others. Its been two weeks since C said out loud she had my back, since I woke up and said I've had enough. So what has changed? Has anything changed?

Everything has changed, I think I had to go through that cosmic boom in order to transition into the next stage of life. I'm actually excited about this next stage as the sky is always clear even when there is fog. C and I have been through ups and downs, self destructions and self discoveries, finally we are both in a great place. A place we've created that's centered around family, friends and Joy. But it is this joy I was missing because I couldn't figure out exactly what brought joy into my life.

I thought the joy I searched for was rooted in my relationships with others. I thought joy would come to me as I worked on my relationship with my parents. I also thought I'd find that inner joy watching my god daughter smile. Although her smile brings me joy it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

So I took time and stayed in silence, the radio didn't play, calls weren't answered and social media was turned off. I listened to my inner self. I asked why was I falling back into old habits of drinking. Why did I stop going to the gym, taking long walks, going hiking and exploring. Why did I feel like something was missing because I didn't have a significant other. Why in all my relationships I loved harder than they did. Why had I never experienced that feeling of knowing someone loved me, on an intimate level, more than the earth loves the sun.

Those questions loomed on top of the realization that I lost faith in everything. I lost faith in my ability to foster healthy and successful relationships. I lost faith in others and questioned all choices I had made in the last year. This was a hard subject to delve into because it was truly getting to the root of the person I am today vs the person I want to be tomorrow.

For two weeks I thought of this, I made scenerios, I even attempted to justify my actions that may have caused hardships and ruined relationships. What I realized that first as I've lost this weight I've become emotionally vulnerable in a way I've never experienced. Second its not me and third, there are some people who are so unhappy that they find anyone or thing that has joy and try to suck it out of them.

Once I realized that I created rules in the same fashion as if I were starting to lose weight again. Those rules are:

1. Choose joy in all situations- some people are just miserable but life is good. I have amazing friends and family whom have stepped in just when I needed them the most

2. I will not settle- Relationships (especially in the gay community) tend to happen quickly. Its important to date, establish friedships and enjoy the moment

3. Keep family and friends close- Get rid of those in your life that do not love and support you. I know my circle would support me in anything I chose to do. That's Luv

4. Focus on me- I'm the most important person in the world. I need to be here for Bug, C, Mikey, Sean, Ashley, Jennifer, Angela, Dwight(all of them lol), Dwayne (too many names to enter) etc. This means that being physically, mentally and fiscally healthy is extremely important.

5. Have Fun (laugh)- life doesn't have to be so serious, even in the toughest hours you can always laugh

6. Make dreams reality- working with people to gain physical and mental footholds in the world is my passion. Its now time to work towards that.

7. Allow people to love you- I'm not settling not worth the time and energy. I would luv someone to share intimate moments with but I'm aslo fulfilled by the luv I get from those that are important to me

8. Go on adventures- everyday I make it a journey and pay attention to things I used to gloss over.

9. Take risks

10. This is the most important, meditate, workout, walk slow, laugh hard, hang with great people, cut people off and enjoy life.

That was my two weeks and since then I've learned how to Bee keep, went to the opera, hiked, watched a black cowboy parade, played pool in Berkley, went to a Bills game and multiple SF Giants games. Wished bug happy bday, told C how important she is to me, re started a friendship as an adult, sent Mikey a Jersey, paid some bills, bought pants, worked out, hung out in Jack London, hung curtains, established a friendship with my Boston homey. I've also went to a tomato fest in which we threw tomatoes and was in an Offspring video, chilled in Napa and filmed all while enjoying every moment. Most of those moments I did alone and that was just ok.