Q: A letter

I thought it would be appropriate to write this letter to you at this stage in your life. Wow, its been a long time since we last spoke and from what I understand life has been full of it’s up’s and down’s. I heard you moved; finally you decided to take the leap of faith and leave one of the most depressing places around. I still am in shock that you jumped off that cliff and landed on your two feet it should feel great at this moment. Thank you for also taking control of your health we’ve been sick for so long. You have done quite well with yourself; the people you have in your life are intelligent, resourceful, complementary, but most of all they are supportive. Looking back I don’t think you would have been able to get this far without the strong unit you put together.

I always felt it necessary to start off pointing out some of the good things, you know those things that are easiest to discuss. The one thing I have learned going through the weight loss process with you is that once you start shedding the weight, layers peal away and expose what you have hid for so long. Remember reading Sister Outsider for the first time? Remember that feeling of safety, of being able to breathe for the first time. It is hard when you are an outsider as we have been for so long within our family, society and school you essentially grow a thick skin. We never fit the mold of course we tried, from attempting to play with Barbies as a child when you wanted to reach for the GI Joes. Trying to hang with the girls when you wanted to do everything with the boys; remember the perm and a weekly wash and set when hair didn’t matter as long as you could put it in a pony tail and play basketball. Then lets not forget having a boyfriend when you secretly wanted your female best friend, going off to college when everything pointed for you to stay. The list goes on but through it all we survived, a little bruised but we have been able to carve a little piece of this world just for ourselves.

Most people don’t even know that we cut our hair right after reading that book. It was a great moment because for once we embraced being the outsider, we also removed that final piece of the past that was really never our own. At first it was an adjustment but later it got easier and our voice became stronger, we became stronger but we never healed. What felt like a lifetime was spent finding where you fit in, the place we called home was foreign and the family you worked so hard to keep together were dismantled. No one knew the anger, hurt, sadness, fear we carried with us. We never let anyone get close but secretly you know we really wanted someone to save us. But admitting that would be suicide right…right…well I’m not sure anymore. I know we go back in forth on that one because there were people who we attempted to let in and it didn’t work out so well. Then again there are others that we allowed in and it’s worked out better than we would have even guessed. Who would have guessed that the people you trust the most are those that were the most unlikely to be called a friend.

For the time being that’s not important because I have decided to finally write to you because I’m concerned. My concern comes from this road that we are on of which we have never seen before. I realize that weight loss is a process but would have never thought that it would be a mental process of both up’s and downs. As each layer is melted away so are the walls we put up to protect ourselves from the outside world. But what does that mean you once asked? Well it means that it’s time to really look at all the people you have been in relationships with and why you chose them. Let us really sit down and review all those moments where you kept drinking past the point of being drunk. Or those times when you continued to eat well after being full. What was it about those relationships that you tried to hold onto to make them work? What were you thinking when drinking to the white boy wasted status? Why keep eating?

I know you would rather I not point out that you haven't had a successful relationship in which both parties agreed it was not going to work since Japan. I also know that you would rather that I don’t bring up that in all the relationships you tried harder than the person you were with. This last one came at a time in which you needed support someone more than a friend to help you jump off that cliff. She gave us that and we let her in and yes she did crush you and yes she fed you what was a dream. But for the first time you had that dream and you now know that you would be ok with having a family of your own. Now don’t go and get crazy because the thought of a child still sends shivers down the spine. But waking up next to someone other than your dogs is pretty nice. We now know that, we want another person to drive 16hrs to see us, or call to make sure we are ok after we haven't spoke for 2 days, we want someone to hold the back of our neck when our mind is unclear.

I can tell what you are thinking and yes it will happen although there may be a battle between heart and head but it will. You have already met the perfect person, you have seen pieces of them in all the people you have dated just right now it’s not our time. What we have to do right now is understand, appreciate what you have learned and accept what you cannot change. I love the person we are becoming I compare this to the life of a moth. You are an insect until you find the one place of solitude where you learn, live and be with yourself. This can take a long time but then you get it and you blossom you grow wings and you’re never the same again. That is our transformation we have to get through the hard parts, the dirt, the grime and sweat. Our weight has been the cocoon for so long and we were scared to step out. Until now we didn’t understand how different we were yet the same as we all are.

Luckily we are not on this road alone we have friends that have decided to go with us but know some may not be able to keep up. As we continue to grow mentally and physically we open ourselves up to limitless possibilities. By this point I know you wonder why in the world did I write this. I wrote this because I realized that life changes it goes on, you will experience failure and achievement. You will also gain and lose people along the way including oneself. My weight was my suit and armor and taking it off means I have to deal with the person I haven't seen since I was 13. This is my healing my way of putting out into the world that I get it. We are all like onions, so many layers, so many sections and if you continue to pull at it you will find the heart of it all. This is my piece to the world my way of calling a cease fire between my head and my heart.