For the past few weeks I've found myself spiraling down a road that has been unfamiliar and frighting. The trouble began when I stepped on the scale and noticed I had not lost an ounce since the weeks prior. In reality it made sense why I had not lost any weight, I had not worked out, I started drinking more and found myself eating all the things that consistently made me sick. So I saw the signs yet I was stuck between feeling extremely alone and dealing with emotional vulnerability. Eventually I would break and fall but two things happened that helped me stand up, the first, a random handshake from a stranger. The second, a post from C reminding me of the power of friendship, unconditional love and support.
This combination recharged me, its given me a since of thirst for fitness that I haven't seen. As I have recharged my love for Yoga, pushing myself to limits and the pain that comes from a heavy dose of weights, what comes to mind is the power of support and friendships.
Losing weight, getting healthy, focusing on fitness can be difficult for many reasons; the first being that you may not have enough time in the day, or you may not, or believe you do not, have the right resources and you don't have the support. Unfortunately we are conditioned to focus on what we feel we do not have instead of what we in fact have.
But there is support, we have the resources and there is always time, I forgot that and had to be reminded of it. What I find I don't have time for is being at the bar, meeting for happy hour, I don't have time for things I really do not want to do. I also have found that there is support and I'm lucky to have people in my corner that A. would catch me if I truly fell and B. would always be there when I truly need them. But living thousands of miles away from them is still difficult and thus I've found out two things. First the most important person that needs to support me and my goals is myself. Second there is a large community of people out there like myself who is just looking for that same supportive space.
I want to let everyone know that I am here to provide support, C is here to provide support and these websites also offer additional communities of support. Fitness, Health are not exclusive clubs we all fit into the life its just time to start embracing it.
meetup.com
beachbody.com
CornCobAbs.com
also check out events being offered on Zozi.com, Groupon.com, Livingsocial.com, Sf.funcheap.com
The point is its out there and as I embark on my next challenge (Triathlon) I am going to need as much support as I can get.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
C: Living in Truth
To Q,
Yesterday you shared a profound moment and, while it is a personal struggle, we promised to be open and sharing in this forum. As you know, I have been living in my truth since 2006 with finally getting the last 2 lies out of my life in 2011. One of those lies was that I was living in protection and defense of little Cara who was hurt and disappointed for so many years that I accepted and tolerated bad relationships in order to just be loved. The second lie was continuing to be in a relationship that I knew was not good for me. I did not set truthful boundaries, I did not walk away when 1/2 boundaries were crossed. I've set pretty high boundaries and made them very clear to my friends and family. I've walked away from friendships and family when boundaries were crossed but I still tolerated that same behavior and worse when it came to relationships. I accept that I was afraid of being left alone and not protected by my father. While I know he was young and can rationalize his behavior on so many levels, at the end of the day I continued hurting myself and was defensive to people around me when really the anger and disappointment was mine to give to him. I have moments where I feel I need to protect my name or my person but I am learning that the lesson is within the situation. You can't pray for patience and become mother Teresa...you will actually be put into situations that force you to be patient.
What I have learned is that you have to dig deeper than deep. Deeper than most people are willing to go in order to live in your truth. What you will find when you get to your truth is really quite humbling and simple; like really taking a deep breath and letting it go.
When I read your post the other day I realized that you are on your path to knowing your own truth. I wish with all of my soul that I had the answers for you but we both know that THIS time is part ofthe lesson. How do you deal with selfish people when you are so good? I do not know. How do you learn to throw away extra food? I do not know. I do not know how to answer because those are your truths to find. It isn't about the bad relationships, it isn't about the food. It takes going way deeper than that. What do you feel inside? Afraid? Sad? Abandoned? Start in that place. Stay there with that feeling...it has to be acknowledged until you can move forward.
We've talked about how we both built this huge (no pun intended) wall on the outside, literally shielding ourselves in. But what about the inside? I would say the bigger a person is, the deeper they need to go to be in that hurt space. For us it is food that protected us all these years and it shows. I could say the same thing for the amount of alcohol someone drinks, or drugs someone takes or even how big someone's muscles get...they are all just another addiction. Another way to shield the hurt little person inside who is not acknowledged and is not allowed to live in their truth.
We are on a journey together. I promise to hold onto you and not let you fall. I know you know this, but I am saying it out loud. We met in such a happenstance way and I know it was all for a reason. I know I had to get through the weeds of bad friendships and misrepresentations to find you. You had to go through bad relationships and lying, cheating, being unappreciated to find me. I truly have two best friends who are my soulmates and I am so proud to have that type of relationship instead of 500 'likes' who refuse to go deep, who refuse to live in their truth.
Remember, what you felt the other day was God. It was a revelation that you are not alone but you need to be alone to be able to listen and move and go deep.
I took the following pyramid from Steve Pavlina's website on the seven core principles of personal growth. I have my own take on each.
Intelligence-At the core of everything is the intelligence to know that you need to keep going back deep in order to make sure that person inside is okay.
Courage-It takes courage to understand the life-long learning process of healing.
Oneness-It takes stepping away and being alone to be able to hear what your inside is telling you. Relish in those times alone because the noise of everyone else can sometimes be unbearable. Get centered and back into breath, calm, and oneness...keep checking in.
Authority-Once you have a practice of recognizing and acknowledging the core, being brave enough to go deep, and then get quiet and calm in order to listen, only then will you have authority over what happens in your life. You have the authority to rid bad people, bad behavior, bad habits that you know bring bad energy. You will remove those things that caused you to build up the outer wall because your inside now so surface.
That inner cycle will lead you to make POWERful decisions concerning your life, lead with a LOVing heart and spirit, and continually live your TRUTHful self. Once you get in that place, your life will fall into place with balance and peace. Just like your mindset changing when it comes to doritos...they look good, taste good, but they are bad for you is the same way you will look at people and situations. They will just leave a bad 'taste' in your gut.
I am here. You can finally trust that you have someone in your corner
who will truly be there for you no matter how deep you have to go. I
will do it without agenda, without reminding you, without judgement. I
will do it because you are my sister and my friend. It is not going to
be easy but I know we are meant to live in our truths and then pay it
forward.
fAatyoGa-C
Yesterday you shared a profound moment and, while it is a personal struggle, we promised to be open and sharing in this forum. As you know, I have been living in my truth since 2006 with finally getting the last 2 lies out of my life in 2011. One of those lies was that I was living in protection and defense of little Cara who was hurt and disappointed for so many years that I accepted and tolerated bad relationships in order to just be loved. The second lie was continuing to be in a relationship that I knew was not good for me. I did not set truthful boundaries, I did not walk away when 1/2 boundaries were crossed. I've set pretty high boundaries and made them very clear to my friends and family. I've walked away from friendships and family when boundaries were crossed but I still tolerated that same behavior and worse when it came to relationships. I accept that I was afraid of being left alone and not protected by my father. While I know he was young and can rationalize his behavior on so many levels, at the end of the day I continued hurting myself and was defensive to people around me when really the anger and disappointment was mine to give to him. I have moments where I feel I need to protect my name or my person but I am learning that the lesson is within the situation. You can't pray for patience and become mother Teresa...you will actually be put into situations that force you to be patient.
What I have learned is that you have to dig deeper than deep. Deeper than most people are willing to go in order to live in your truth. What you will find when you get to your truth is really quite humbling and simple; like really taking a deep breath and letting it go.
When I read your post the other day I realized that you are on your path to knowing your own truth. I wish with all of my soul that I had the answers for you but we both know that THIS time is part ofthe lesson. How do you deal with selfish people when you are so good? I do not know. How do you learn to throw away extra food? I do not know. I do not know how to answer because those are your truths to find. It isn't about the bad relationships, it isn't about the food. It takes going way deeper than that. What do you feel inside? Afraid? Sad? Abandoned? Start in that place. Stay there with that feeling...it has to be acknowledged until you can move forward.
We've talked about how we both built this huge (no pun intended) wall on the outside, literally shielding ourselves in. But what about the inside? I would say the bigger a person is, the deeper they need to go to be in that hurt space. For us it is food that protected us all these years and it shows. I could say the same thing for the amount of alcohol someone drinks, or drugs someone takes or even how big someone's muscles get...they are all just another addiction. Another way to shield the hurt little person inside who is not acknowledged and is not allowed to live in their truth.
We are on a journey together. I promise to hold onto you and not let you fall. I know you know this, but I am saying it out loud. We met in such a happenstance way and I know it was all for a reason. I know I had to get through the weeds of bad friendships and misrepresentations to find you. You had to go through bad relationships and lying, cheating, being unappreciated to find me. I truly have two best friends who are my soulmates and I am so proud to have that type of relationship instead of 500 'likes' who refuse to go deep, who refuse to live in their truth.
Remember, what you felt the other day was God. It was a revelation that you are not alone but you need to be alone to be able to listen and move and go deep.
I took the following pyramid from Steve Pavlina's website on the seven core principles of personal growth. I have my own take on each.
Intelligence-At the core of everything is the intelligence to know that you need to keep going back deep in order to make sure that person inside is okay.
Courage-It takes courage to understand the life-long learning process of healing.
Oneness-It takes stepping away and being alone to be able to hear what your inside is telling you. Relish in those times alone because the noise of everyone else can sometimes be unbearable. Get centered and back into breath, calm, and oneness...keep checking in.
Authority-Once you have a practice of recognizing and acknowledging the core, being brave enough to go deep, and then get quiet and calm in order to listen, only then will you have authority over what happens in your life. You have the authority to rid bad people, bad behavior, bad habits that you know bring bad energy. You will remove those things that caused you to build up the outer wall because your inside now so surface.
That inner cycle will lead you to make POWERful decisions concerning your life, lead with a LOVing heart and spirit, and continually live your TRUTHful self. Once you get in that place, your life will fall into place with balance and peace. Just like your mindset changing when it comes to doritos...they look good, taste good, but they are bad for you is the same way you will look at people and situations. They will just leave a bad 'taste' in your gut.
fAatyoGa-C
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The glass is half empty
We all know what the saying "you are always looking at the glass as half empty" refers to in life. Usually there is a continuation of thought and the person points out that the glass is also half full with the implication that the goal is half completed. For years I've looked at that empty glass and the thought "I couldn't just leave that glass half empty" and so I never did. The past few years I've struggled with this idea of waste and letting things go, partly because growing up there were more than a few times when I went hungry. As I stated in previous posts I never let anything go to waste and over the years I was very successful in gaining over 150lbs. As I look back to 2011 one of the things I tackled was this idea of letting things go to waste and how to deal with that on a personal level. For the most part I managed just that, I purchased everything in single person sizes, gone were the days of buying large bags of rice or taking advantage of the 10 for 10 deals in the store. I lived alone, no kids, no girl just two dogs, thus purchasing 10 boxes of noodles and a family pack of chicken didn't make sense. So I changed, re charged the kitchen, saved money and then focused on cooking just enough.
100lbs and a year later in a new city, renting a room, no dogs, or close friends I find myself struggling again with this idea of waste. I live in a house with someone who does not have a weight problem, loves snacks, eats out and buys things in bulk. There are always leftovers and there are always chips, dip and alcohol, needless to say I've eaten, thankfully haven't gained nor lost any additional weight. But that brings me to these two questions, the first, how to achieve a goal without support and second, how to exercise control when you're surrounded by everything that makes you lose it.
I don't have the answers just yet, what I can share is that you really have to want whatever goal you set. There will always be an obstacle and someone there that does not support your vision or progress, however there will also be a positive being there as well. We have to want it and we have to find the support within ourselves, continuing to look for outside validation is what has brought me back to the kitchen, brought me back to snacks. As I rejoin the life of eating as close to the ground as possible or eating clean I am faced with a challenge I have never faced before. How to create my vision of self without any immediate support?
100lbs and a year later in a new city, renting a room, no dogs, or close friends I find myself struggling again with this idea of waste. I live in a house with someone who does not have a weight problem, loves snacks, eats out and buys things in bulk. There are always leftovers and there are always chips, dip and alcohol, needless to say I've eaten, thankfully haven't gained nor lost any additional weight. But that brings me to these two questions, the first, how to achieve a goal without support and second, how to exercise control when you're surrounded by everything that makes you lose it.
I don't have the answers just yet, what I can share is that you really have to want whatever goal you set. There will always be an obstacle and someone there that does not support your vision or progress, however there will also be a positive being there as well. We have to want it and we have to find the support within ourselves, continuing to look for outside validation is what has brought me back to the kitchen, brought me back to snacks. As I rejoin the life of eating as close to the ground as possible or eating clean I am faced with a challenge I have never faced before. How to create my vision of self without any immediate support?
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
C: Day 3- Anxiety
All day I've been panicked over going...butterflies. I want to go but feel so afraid; devastatingly afraid. Anyway, I was going to go, then not, then going again. I put on my sneakers, got into my car and went to the gym for class. I then sat, waiting for my aqua zumba ladies. They didn't show up :( Did I go in and figure it out on my own? No. Did I go and look for them? No. Instead I hightailed it out of there like a bat out of hell and spent the entire drive upset with myself.
Part of the issue is that I start my day at 5a so my 6:30p I am tired. Part of the issue is I just feel heavy in land classes. Another part is I do not like being yelled at in class (think boot camp). These are excuses, I know. My question is, how do you push through them? I am sharing because I know there are people out there like me. You've taken so many steps forward with exercise but you still need help to get over small humps.
I am not ready to give up. I will take my lunch hour to walk the dog. I will be at aqua zumba tomorrow night and will go to the Friday morning land zumba; aqua zumba friends or not. I WILL tackle this!! Thank you God for today and all that I have.
Day 1 - Feeling: Great, energized, ready to go!
5:30aMeal 1-Green Shake (almond milk, frozen pineapple/mango, thawed frozen spinach, splash of agave); homemade whole grain protein powder muffin top.
8:30aMeal 2-Egg white omelet w/feta, 1/2c peaches (tomorrow may do potato & onion), coffee with agave, splash of almond milk
Water Aerobics
11:30aMeal 3-Jodhpur lentils over rice, side salad w/vinegrette
2:30pMeal 4-Grilled Salmon w/veggie
Weights (chest press, leg extensions, biceps, squats--20 each x3 sets)
5:30pMeal 5-Almonds, small drizzle of chocolate
1.7 mile walk w/Kiddo and Puppy
8:30pMeal 6-Crab meat
Meal 7-Nothing
Day 2 - Feeling: Wonderful! Looking forward to aqua zumba
5:30a Meal 1-Rice cereal w/almond milk, pureed banana
1.7 mile walk with puppy
8:30a Meal 2-Shake (Protein powder, peanut butter, water, ice, spinach, splash of agave), homemade whole grain protein powder muffin top
11:30a Meal 3-Jodhpur lentils over rice, side salad w/vinegrette
2:30p Meal 4-pbj, shake (almond milk, pineapple/mango, spinach, splash agave)
5:30p Meal 5-whole grain rice pasta, stewed tomatoes, soy protein
Aqua Zumba
8:00p Meal 6-Nothing
(optional) 10p Meal 7-Nothing
Day 3 - Feeling: Anxious, I want to have a kit kat but I will not!
5:30a Meal 1-Protein shake (protein powder, peanut butter, spinach, banana)
1 mile walk
8:30a Meal 2-Egg white omelet w/feta, homemade whole grain protein powder muffin top, coffee with splash of almond milk and agave
11:30a Meal 3-whole grain corn bread, whole grain rice pasta, stewed tomatoes, soy protein
4:30p-Meal 4-Lean cuisine pizza and almonds
5:00p-on...Nothing. I really do not feel like eating at all.
Monday, September 10, 2012
C: Day 1 Clean Eat-Real Reason for My Weight Gain
Last night I was thinking about 'Day 1 of Eat Clean', thinking about it in a stressful way. I thought about all the ways I would fail, all the other times I HAVE FAILED. The anxiety had me up and awake but I did not eat. Instead I lay there wishing I had a hole in the ceiling so that I could look up at the stars. Knowing that my clock would go off at 5:30a, I must have fell asleep at some point, only to be awoken by our new puppy. When I think back on it now I would not be sitting here pissed if he would have given me the 45 more minutes I need. But alas, he cannot hold it and so we went outside, me, mad.
When I came back inside I thought of all the reasons why I should not start this bullshit today.
-I hate having a puppy.
-I am tired.
-The weekend was not restful.
-I have spent way more than my wallet allows on this damn dog.
-I never got a call about how to actually start the 21 day eat clean challenge.
-Did I even get the right eat clean challenge items?
-I hate being a single mom.
-I wish my stock options would hurry up and kick in to give me a little relief.
-I hate having a puppy.
Then it hit me like a mack truck. The real reason I have not lost weight is because the way I lose weight or the methods for working out, always seem to interfere with my life. When I read articles about people losing weight many of them start with 'After the birth of my first child...' or 'While in college...When switching jobs....' What they need to say is that putting yourself first is a sacrifice that effects everyone. Putting yourself first does take away from the 'flow' of the household. The flow of the home may work for a little while when you add taking care of yourself into the mix, but the second that flow gets out of whack (ie. a puppy wakes you up at 4:45a instead of letting your alarm wake you up at 5:30a) we panic and take ourselves back out of the mix. When the flow is off we don't pay attention to portions, we could care less about getting those burpees in. I see even the connection to why men always seem to have a higher percentage of getting in shape in their mid-30s because the wife is at home with the kids...what about her? What about me? After my child was born was when my weight crept up because my time was no longer my time. I did not like this little human in my home. And as much as people may gasp at that last statement it is the truth and I have to express that in order for me to show my point and be honest with myself. I saw her as an intrusion, as a person who took up my time, as a person who woke me up at 4:45a when my clock was set for 5:30a...see the connection here?!
So...today I say, there is no challenge! There is NO CHALLENGE. A challenge to me means something temporary, something that I only have to do for a little while. A challenge that when-I-am-done-I-will-have-a-big-pizza-because-that-is-how-I-reward-myself. Nope, never, nada! What I am introducing is a complete lifestyle change. The whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and fish/tofu that I picked up yesterday are all a part of who I am now and of how I choose to fuel my body. The aqua class I will attend this morning is how I choose to relieve stress, move my body, and meet people. The weights I choose to lift help my body move and perform at its peak.
This morning was a window into making a connection for me. Everyone has to sacrifice a little more in order for me to have more time to myself in order to make my body healthy and to have it continue being healthy. So who's onboard? Who is going to take a real look at their life, a real look at their issues/past, etc? Let's really take the time to make the connection to why you eat bad...why you 'think' you cannot make that sacrifice. You have to put yourself first in order to have an active lifestyle, period. Take the guilt out of getting to only 2 of your 5 set days to workout and admit that you allowed life to put you on the back burner. Last month alone, I missed an HOA meeting, why? Because it was at the same time as my aqua zumba class...and guess what...when I told many of the people why I wasn't there I could see the 'wow, I wish I did that for myself' look. HOA, open house, a friend in need, football game, etc....there will always be something. Make the commitment to yourself to not miss the time you've set aside for yourself. You spend 8-12 hours a work per day 5 days a week a make appts around that, why not do the same for yourself. Yes you can get an hour in a day (even 2 1/2 hour sessions)...the question is, why haven't you made the sacrifice for yourself? Dig deep and you'll find out why.
When I came back inside I thought of all the reasons why I should not start this bullshit today.
-I hate having a puppy.
-I am tired.
-The weekend was not restful.
-I have spent way more than my wallet allows on this damn dog.
-I never got a call about how to actually start the 21 day eat clean challenge.
-Did I even get the right eat clean challenge items?
-I hate being a single mom.
-I wish my stock options would hurry up and kick in to give me a little relief.
-I hate having a puppy.
Then it hit me like a mack truck. The real reason I have not lost weight is because the way I lose weight or the methods for working out, always seem to interfere with my life. When I read articles about people losing weight many of them start with 'After the birth of my first child...' or 'While in college...When switching jobs....' What they need to say is that putting yourself first is a sacrifice that effects everyone. Putting yourself first does take away from the 'flow' of the household. The flow of the home may work for a little while when you add taking care of yourself into the mix, but the second that flow gets out of whack (ie. a puppy wakes you up at 4:45a instead of letting your alarm wake you up at 5:30a) we panic and take ourselves back out of the mix. When the flow is off we don't pay attention to portions, we could care less about getting those burpees in. I see even the connection to why men always seem to have a higher percentage of getting in shape in their mid-30s because the wife is at home with the kids...what about her? What about me? After my child was born was when my weight crept up because my time was no longer my time. I did not like this little human in my home. And as much as people may gasp at that last statement it is the truth and I have to express that in order for me to show my point and be honest with myself. I saw her as an intrusion, as a person who took up my time, as a person who woke me up at 4:45a when my clock was set for 5:30a...see the connection here?!
So...today I say, there is no challenge! There is NO CHALLENGE. A challenge to me means something temporary, something that I only have to do for a little while. A challenge that when-I-am-done-I-will-have-a-big-pizza-because-that-is-how-I-reward-myself. Nope, never, nada! What I am introducing is a complete lifestyle change. The whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and fish/tofu that I picked up yesterday are all a part of who I am now and of how I choose to fuel my body. The aqua class I will attend this morning is how I choose to relieve stress, move my body, and meet people. The weights I choose to lift help my body move and perform at its peak.
This morning was a window into making a connection for me. Everyone has to sacrifice a little more in order for me to have more time to myself in order to make my body healthy and to have it continue being healthy. So who's onboard? Who is going to take a real look at their life, a real look at their issues/past, etc? Let's really take the time to make the connection to why you eat bad...why you 'think' you cannot make that sacrifice. You have to put yourself first in order to have an active lifestyle, period. Take the guilt out of getting to only 2 of your 5 set days to workout and admit that you allowed life to put you on the back burner. Last month alone, I missed an HOA meeting, why? Because it was at the same time as my aqua zumba class...and guess what...when I told many of the people why I wasn't there I could see the 'wow, I wish I did that for myself' look. HOA, open house, a friend in need, football game, etc....there will always be something. Make the commitment to yourself to not miss the time you've set aside for yourself. You spend 8-12 hours a work per day 5 days a week a make appts around that, why not do the same for yourself. Yes you can get an hour in a day (even 2 1/2 hour sessions)...the question is, why haven't you made the sacrifice for yourself? Dig deep and you'll find out why.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)