C: Sh*tty Friends

So...without going into my dating details, I've realized something very profound this weekend. I am one of the easiest friends/girlfriends to have...I only have a few basics. Do what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it, don't lie/cheat, open communication. That's it. You want to pursue your dreams at becoming a pencil maker...great! You want to quit a really great career and relax...okay. However, when the relationship is ending I hear over and over from the guys I have dated that they are not good enough for me or they could never live up to my standards....um...did you see the basic rules. I rack my brain trying to figure out what I am not doing or showing that this really is an easy relationship. Not too hard to follow fellows. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started thinking about the relationships I admire and what I found in common amongst those relationships is that each person is a great friend to their partner. There is no ego, they have open communication, they get each others humor, they can depend on one another without needing to be asked. Seriously! This is what I have been missing. I date guys who make really sh*tty friends.

C: Find Your Fit

The picture represents my morning solace, my prayer time, my 'me' time, my quiet, my workout, and my thinking time all in one. I love swimming, have since I was a wee one. One of the greatest things I've realized about myself during this journey is that the one-size-come-in-a-dvd-and-you-will-shed-500-lbs-so-sign-up-today-or-remain-fat programs do not work for me. I cannot be put into a box. I also cannot stay in a gym routine for very long...I just get anxious. I want my mind to 'think' it is not working out and then, I will stay with the exercise. That is just how I am, period. So when I found swimming again this summer I was absolutely so happy. From the first few seconds of silence as I dunk my head under water to the last lap, I find my head thinking about absolutely nothing. I am in the moment. I love how the sun sprinkles and glitters the trees when I begin but then is shining on me when I end. I love how clear the bubbles are and I love the rhythm of my breath to stroke ratio. I am looking forward to rediscovering my old exercise friend.

Q: Back Home Again Part 2

So there we were driving up North to what would turn out to be the best weekend I've had in a long time. Relaxation was in the air, the banter with my best friend kept us all laughing, and although tired we felt a little bit of relief that I was back home. We drove and for a split moment there was silence, I got lost peering at the trees. The leaves were changing, the air was crisp, it was fall, and in the background my other friend talk about apple picking but I couldn't really hear. It came to me that for years I never noticed how beautiful the beginning of fall is around there. For so long I was consumed with the dread and grey of winter that I didn't notice the bright colors of fall. I hadn't been gone that long; the last time I was in NY it was not the best experience. It was March dead of winter, the streets were icy and my relationship was rocky. Turns out that would have been the last time I was in a relationship, the last time I drove 16 hours and the last time I was in NY.

When we finally made it to our destination I became nervous all that kept running through my mind was the orange polo shirt I was going to wear. This was my moment for the first time I was asked to be a part of a wedding. For the rehearsal dinner I bought this almost rustic orange shirt that was a size smaller than I am comfortable wearing. I could not get out of my mind that my love handles would noticeably show which would have ruined my night. When you lose a noticeable amount of weight your mind continues to believe that you need to be in larger clothes. That there was my struggle, everything I bought for the wedding was a few sizes smaller and because of that my mind kept reminding me of what might show.

The hardest thing about losing weight is the mental fight you have with yourself. Although, I have lost a significant amount of weight my mind tells me that I should continue to wear the clothes I once could fit in. At this point my old clothes look terrible and the new clothes fit. I don't know where it became the norm that when you are bigger you need loose clothes. Well that is a thought for another post, but to continue everything fit, I looked pretty daymn good if I might say so. The wedding was amazing it was great to see the change in us all. Some of us essentially grew up together, from that first step into the college dorms, the first time an ID was chalked, behind the wheels of a car, graduation and first apartment. There we all were together with the people who decided to take the journey together. We celebrated, it was a new future, two of our friends get to share it together and I with the new me. That weekend was the door opening to a new tomorrow and closing the chapter of yesterday. I was able to share that moment with my closets friends and developed a brand new one of which I'm excited about. Overall besides the fact I was freezing what a fantastic weekend. No filters, just fun and learning that life is unexpected don't and not put any limitations on it.

C: Loss

Today I mourn the spiritual loss of my relationship with my father. As much as I hold onto who I am, I am realizing that it is because of his behavior that shapes me today. I know that I am a better parent, friend, confidant, worker, sister, and daughter. Watching him over time has taught me that you can't go through life being selfish and alone. For me, this is the last piece of the past that I needed to face.

RIP, in spirit, Dad...

Q: Back home Again...Part 1

For months I prepared for the journey home mentally and physically. Excitement kept me going while anxiety held me back. I found myself stuck in this cycle of both wanting to go and finding any reason to stay. It's been about 6 months since the last time I set foot in NY and a number of things have changed. The most obvious is that I am almost 100lbs lighter and the not so obvious is that mentally I am at peace. Life is different now and the person that they once new and have grown to love is no longer there. For so long my happiness was sustained by the interactions I had with others and now my happiness is from the self I've grown to know. Although, I knew that the friends that I have made would welcome me with open arms, my insecurities always made me question if they would notice. Not only was I feeling the anxiety of being reintroduced to NY and the life I once lived but I also had to deal with my greatest challenge...would I be able to fit comfortably in the airplane seat and fasten my seat belt without the extender.

Finally the day came, dropped my dogs off and started driving to Orlando International airport with my mind full of what if's. What if i cant fasten the seat belt, what if they don't notice, what if the flight attendant points out that I'm fat, what if I really have not changed...While all of this was going through my mind the day moved forward, entered the full body scan, carried my bag to my gate sat down, took a deep breath and just let it all go. When I opened my eyes at that very moment I felt calm and assured that even if they did not notice I knew I changed. I knew that life was not about a drink, a snack, nachos, or fried food. The calm I felt was based more on the love I now had for self and the appreciation I had for the world.

It was time to board the plane, I stopped took a deep breath and proceeded to make my way towards the first obstacle from my past. There I stood looking down at the seat I would take, it was in the isle, more room to stretch my legs. Because the flight was early I was able to sit by myself in front of two people that would later shape the scope of the day. It was time, I reached for the seat belt did not hold my breath to suck in my stomach and I securely fastened the belt and had to pull it tighter.

At that moment for the first time I breathed and really smiled and as I did so I was able to meet such a wonderful person. People travel, from going to work to the market and finally on vacation. Although we are a species surrounded by others we tend to only focus on self and never look up and meet the person sitting next to you. I used to be one of those people only focusing on myself and how miserable I was. Living day to day to eat and drink, waking up in the morning going to a dead end job, living in a place that seemed grey at all times of the year, life was grim. But the person I am now has allowed me to look at the world and the people around me with a different understanding. So when I met this fellow traveler I felt connected just at that moment. As we talked about accomplishment, weight loss, having younger people in our lives I realized that ultimately as travelers we share similar experiences.

During the flight not only was I able to fasten my seat belt, but I was able to pull the tray down and nicely rest my cup of water on it. Most people do not have to worry about this but for those that do you will understand how important this act was. The second flight was the same I could fasten the seat belt and pull down the tray. But unlike my first flight I did not make any connections instead I thought about the conversation I had and how important it is to help people through there own journey. Because of that flight I understand that losing weight is not just an adult conversations; it is a conversation that should be held at all levels and not with the words diet but with the words healthy living. I want to thank Colleen, because of that conversation I now know how important it is to talk to the younger generations about keeping themselves healthy.

By the way, I landed got up without anxiety and walked out of the airport into the brisk fall air of upstate NY. I loaded myself into the car and looked at my best friend I knew at that moment that things were different.

C: Disney, Not For The Faint of 'Foot'

So this weekend the Queen Mum and Bug partook in a Disney adventure for Bug's early bday. Between Downtown Disney on Friday night and Disney Studios on Saturday, my pedometer logged 16 miles!! That is a whole lot of freakin' walking!! I love taking a break from the routine and exercising while doing something fun like walking in a fun park. I am not a gym person, never have been, never will be. I just feel closed in and confined. I also need variety as I've learned from my ENFJ personality sheet. My next goals are to discover ways to burn calories while discovering new activities outside. Here's to paddle boarding!!

Q:Still Here

A number of people have asked me where have I been on the blog, if C and I are doing well as friends. The answer is yes!! It has been a very busy 2 months and I will go further into that in the next blog posts. I am stopping by right now to let everyone know I'm still here and I'm back embracing the blogging world. Thank you all for the concern and stay tuned because I have a lot to announce..Remember everyday is a blessing...Namaste