What More Can I Say

This is a bittersweet farewell, the time spent working on this was one of great exploration and growth. For a year C and I poured our thoughts, fears, triumphs,  and we healed, crafted new identities and learned to start living in our truest form of self. Prior to writing this post I looked back to the beginning then looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't see that person of old. I actually have had to recently get used to my new face, this new person, in a new place, with different desires and dreams. In normal situations I can put words to most thoughts and feelings yet today I struggle to find the right ones. How to really close the book on the past and embrace the present and future? saying goodbye has been a struggle in the past because so many have said just that...to me. Now I must say goodbye and thank you to C and everyone whom have supported us throughout this first part of life. It's time to move on, life has changed, we've closed the chapter of unhappiness, over eating, depression, having negative people in our lives and expressing any feeling in food. We now say hello to new chapters, of laughter, sweat, meditation, creativity, sharing and staying in the moment. I am saying goodbye, I'm saying goodbye to former guilt and frustration and I say hello to life.

I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite poems written by Langston Hughes called Mother to Son. I feel as if this poem is perfect for this moment because its about struggle and picking yourself up and moving on.

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Bittersweet Goodbye

When I started working on this blog with Q it was meant to be a way for me to communicate my fears, my questions, my baggage... As I sit and write this very last blog from C for fAat yoGa, I cannot help to think about how far we've come, how far I've come. I no longer want to look back but I do accept that my past is what has formed me today. I take all of the lessons, close this chapter, and am writing a new book. The picture below represents how I feel writing this last blog. Sunsets represent the ending of a day or a feeling or an era. Sunsets also represent the new day ahead...I'm looking forward to the new days ahead. I'm looking forward to sweating and enjoying the fruits of my labor because this is my way of life now. No fads, no monthly cycles of working out and then being lazy, no filling my body with poisonous foods. I feel good. I will never get to a place of fitness or mental wellness that I forget the struggle it took to get me to this very place and beyond. I will never leave this ladder of health and will always reach back to help those who are behind me to move ahead.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan



Yours - C

C: Carb Cycling

I have been carb 'tweaking' for the past few months and think I have found something that will work for me. The idea of eating the same things day in and day out just to look like something I do not want to be is not appealing. I do not want to compete, I do not want to starve myself for weigh-ins only to have a huge cake when the weigh-in is done. I love pasta, I love veggies, I love fish, I love seasonings, I love different oils, etc. I just want to eat as close to the earth as possible, ie...the REAL definition of eating clean and workout at a schedule that does not have me in the gym for hours and hours. I am a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a coworker...I have a life and want my life; I just want a thinner me in my life :). I want something I can do forever and I think I've found it. I have been reading and working through Chris Powell's book, 'Chose to Lose, The 7 Day Carb Cycle Solution'.

I first saw Chris on one of the Extreme Weight Loss makeover shows and then again on Dr. Oz. He was talking about carb cycling but to really understand what carb cycling is, I had to get the book. Boy am I glad I did!

In a nutshell, I have Sundays free meaning that I do not count calories, or fat, or carbs, nothing. I just eat what I want. Having that freedom you think 'WOO-HOO!' but in reality, I stay eating pretty healthy. Yesterday I had blue cheese and a peppermint mocha with....GASP...whipped cream. LOL...not a big deal but it felt good to feel free. Monday - Saturday I practice high carb (hc) and low carb (lc) days. This happens for 3 weeks with the 4th week being all hc days. I am still working through the book to understand the workouts with which day it is so for now I am doing the following:

15 minute level 1 Chris Powell Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition
25 minute brisk 2 mile walk outside
24 minute 3min bike ride at 20% tension/2min at 60% tension/1min at 100% tension x4
Lats/Shoulders/Abs alternating with Leg press/Abs depending on the day

Besides feeling like there is a light not at the end of the tunnel but that there is a freaking light in the first place, a few things struck me to the core:

-You have to deal with the mental hurdles. Chris talks about separating your mind from your body, even calling your body another name. Not that my body has done anything wrong but I have allowed my body to act like a spoiled baby and the weight gain is the result of that. Now, when I want to eat something that is not good for me or I do not want to get up at my goal time to wake up, I literally talk to my body from my mind's point of view. My mind knows what is good for me, what will make me strong, what I need to work for, what I need to be thankful for, etc. Leading with the mind is such a new concept and something I have never seen before.

-You have to have a support system. Seeing skinny girls with boob enhancements that have put on 30lbs of muscle is not motivating to someone like me. Talking to others that are changing their lives by feeding themselves with good food, with good value, with great friendship is what I am seeking; it is what I need to transition into this life style.

-This IS a life style change. This is not a quick fix. There is work involved. Cravings and being sedentary are just not good for your body (call the body out remember!). Your body needs to be there for your children and your friends. Your body needs to be able to fellowship and to produce goodness in this world. Most of all your body needs to be a vehicle for all of us to live in our truth.

I will upload my meals tomorrow :)

XOXO-Athlete-in-Training

Crossfit and me

I'm really starting to appreciate these long rides on the Bart as it gives me time to write. Since I watched my first #Crossfit games I was hooked. I wanted to do it, wanted to compete, I finally saw women who had the body I envisioned. Since then I've been on a quest to find a gym and take a class. But first had to get up the nerve to stop in as I am no where close to having that Crossfit body.

Time went on and although I really wanted to take the classes I never went. Instead I made every excuse as to why I can't do it now so I concentrated on doing other things but something was missing. What was missing was competition, I'm a competitor have always been and when I got fAat I stopped competing. Hell I stopped moving, the only thing that was a challenge was the battle between family sized or regular size bag of Doritos (the Red bag).

So now here I am, I go to the gym however I find myself getting bored and my focus wanders. In order to fix this issue I had decided to pay for a trainer. Someone that could set me up every week so that I stay on track. Show different exercises and would measure my progress. Well this process has not been enjoyable.

24hr Fitness in Alameda has exhibited the worst member service and the trainers do not contact you. There is an option to purchase training sessions online which I would never suggest doing unless you have met and sat down with the trainer. So here I am still searching and then I revisited the idea of Crossfit.

To my surprise a few people I know have started to do it, this sparked my interest. I thought ok this time I'm ready, let's do this and looked into the gym and this is what I found.

1. There is a waiting list for the beginner session - O_o umm really a waiting list

2. The first two classes you get at a discounted rate then after that for two, TWO, classes per week its 85.00- I would need a part time job just to work out

3. It states if you are not in good enough shape they want you to take one on one sessions which amount to 4 classes for 400.00- are you kidding!

So as much as I want to do Crossfit I'll have to pass unless there is an amazing Groupon, Living Social or Zozi deal. Again I am faced with the reality that its cheaper to be fat than it is to get in shape. I do understand that there are alternatives out there. But I want to sweat, I want to compete against my peers, but I'm not willing to pay 400 a month for 8 classes and no showers. So what to do now?

Well what I'll do now is find another 24hr fitness and look for a trainer at that location. Next I'm going to invest in a bike and continue to workout and find cheap fun challenges. Challenges such as the Mud Run, or a long hike and maybe a few 5k's such as the SF turkey trot (you get to wear a costume :). Either way I'll get out start pushing and appreciate the trainers I have in Tony Horton and Shaun T.

Excercise shouldn't be expensive but its also not going to be cheap. I just can't justify paying 100 a week for a few classes. What I can do is take that money, put it away and go on a trip, or send my friends a gift, pay down some bills, or buy the snow shows and snowboard I want. The lesson is that even when reality sets in that maybe you're not fit enough or you can't afford something it doesn't mean you give up. You adapt and push harder one day ill be able to offer such classes at a reasonable rate for people like me. People that may not be in the best shape, may not be able to afford a lot but have the drive and passion to overcome challenges.

2 weeks

Its been two weeks since I last felt fractured, lost, frustrated and angry. Its been two weeks since I stood on the cliff not knowing whether to jump or walk away. Questioning my faith in the world and questioning my faith in others. Its been two weeks since C said out loud she had my back, since I woke up and said I've had enough. So what has changed? Has anything changed?

Everything has changed, I think I had to go through that cosmic boom in order to transition into the next stage of life. I'm actually excited about this next stage as the sky is always clear even when there is fog. C and I have been through ups and downs, self destructions and self discoveries, finally we are both in a great place. A place we've created that's centered around family, friends and Joy. But it is this joy I was missing because I couldn't figure out exactly what brought joy into my life.

I thought the joy I searched for was rooted in my relationships with others. I thought joy would come to me as I worked on my relationship with my parents. I also thought I'd find that inner joy watching my god daughter smile. Although her smile brings me joy it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

So I took time and stayed in silence, the radio didn't play, calls weren't answered and social media was turned off. I listened to my inner self. I asked why was I falling back into old habits of drinking. Why did I stop going to the gym, taking long walks, going hiking and exploring. Why did I feel like something was missing because I didn't have a significant other. Why in all my relationships I loved harder than they did. Why had I never experienced that feeling of knowing someone loved me, on an intimate level, more than the earth loves the sun.

Those questions loomed on top of the realization that I lost faith in everything. I lost faith in my ability to foster healthy and successful relationships. I lost faith in others and questioned all choices I had made in the last year. This was a hard subject to delve into because it was truly getting to the root of the person I am today vs the person I want to be tomorrow.

For two weeks I thought of this, I made scenerios, I even attempted to justify my actions that may have caused hardships and ruined relationships. What I realized that first as I've lost this weight I've become emotionally vulnerable in a way I've never experienced. Second its not me and third, there are some people who are so unhappy that they find anyone or thing that has joy and try to suck it out of them.

Once I realized that I created rules in the same fashion as if I were starting to lose weight again. Those rules are:

1. Choose joy in all situations- some people are just miserable but life is good. I have amazing friends and family whom have stepped in just when I needed them the most

2. I will not settle- Relationships (especially in the gay community) tend to happen quickly. Its important to date, establish friedships and enjoy the moment

3. Keep family and friends close- Get rid of those in your life that do not love and support you. I know my circle would support me in anything I chose to do. That's Luv

4. Focus on me- I'm the most important person in the world. I need to be here for Bug, C, Mikey, Sean, Ashley, Jennifer, Angela, Dwight(all of them lol), Dwayne (too many names to enter) etc. This means that being physically, mentally and fiscally healthy is extremely important.

5. Have Fun (laugh)- life doesn't have to be so serious, even in the toughest hours you can always laugh

6. Make dreams reality- working with people to gain physical and mental footholds in the world is my passion. Its now time to work towards that.

7. Allow people to love you- I'm not settling not worth the time and energy. I would luv someone to share intimate moments with but I'm aslo fulfilled by the luv I get from those that are important to me

8. Go on adventures- everyday I make it a journey and pay attention to things I used to gloss over.

9. Take risks

10. This is the most important, meditate, workout, walk slow, laugh hard, hang with great people, cut people off and enjoy life.

That was my two weeks and since then I've learned how to Bee keep, went to the opera, hiked, watched a black cowboy parade, played pool in Berkley, went to a Bills game and multiple SF Giants games. Wished bug happy bday, told C how important she is to me, re started a friendship as an adult, sent Mikey a Jersey, paid some bills, bought pants, worked out, hung out in Jack London, hung curtains, established a friendship with my Boston homey. I've also went to a tomato fest in which we threw tomatoes and was in an Offspring video, chilled in Napa and filmed all while enjoying every moment. Most of those moments I did alone and that was just ok.

Support

For the past few weeks I've found myself spiraling down a road that has been unfamiliar and frighting. The trouble began when I stepped on the scale and noticed I had not lost an ounce since the weeks prior. In reality it made sense why I had not lost any weight, I had not worked out, I started drinking more and found myself eating all the things that consistently made me sick. So I saw the signs yet I was stuck between feeling extremely alone and dealing with emotional vulnerability. Eventually I would break and fall but two things happened that helped me stand up, the first, a random handshake from a stranger. The second, a post from C reminding me of the power of friendship, unconditional love and support.

This combination recharged me, its given me a since of thirst for fitness that I haven't seen. As I have recharged my love for Yoga, pushing myself to limits and the pain that comes from a heavy dose of weights, what comes to mind is the power of support and friendships.

Losing weight, getting healthy, focusing on fitness can be difficult for many reasons; the first being that you may not have enough time in the day, or you may not, or believe you do not, have the right resources and you don't have the support. Unfortunately we are conditioned to focus on what we feel we do not have instead of what we in fact have.

But there is support, we have the resources and there is always time, I forgot that and had to be reminded of it. What I find I don't have time for is being at the bar, meeting for happy hour, I don't have time for things I really do not want to do. I also have found that there is support and I'm lucky to have people in my corner that A. would catch me if I truly fell and B. would always be there when I truly need them. But living thousands of miles away from them is still difficult and thus I've found out two things. First the most important person that needs to support me and my goals is myself. Second there is a large community of people out there like myself who is just looking for that same supportive space.

I want to let everyone know that I am here to provide support, C is here to provide support and these websites also offer additional communities of support. Fitness, Health are not exclusive clubs we all fit into the life its just time to start embracing it.

meetup.com
beachbody.com
CornCobAbs.com
also check out events being offered on Zozi.com, Groupon.com, Livingsocial.com, Sf.funcheap.com

The point is its out there and as I embark on my next challenge (Triathlon) I am going to need as much support as I can get. 

C: Living in Truth

To Q,

Yesterday you shared a profound moment and, while it is a personal struggle, we promised to be open and sharing in this forum. As you know, I have been living in my truth since 2006 with finally getting the last 2 lies out of my life in 2011. One of those lies was that I was living in protection and defense of little Cara who was hurt and disappointed for so many years that I accepted and tolerated bad relationships in order to just be loved. The second lie was continuing to be in a relationship that I knew was not good for me. I did not set truthful boundaries, I did not walk away when 1/2 boundaries were crossed. I've set pretty high boundaries and made them very clear to my friends and family. I've walked away from friendships and family when boundaries were crossed but I still tolerated that same behavior and worse when it came to relationships. I accept that I was afraid of being left alone and not protected by my father. While I know he was young and can rationalize his behavior on so many levels, at the end of the day I continued hurting myself and was defensive to people around me when really the anger and disappointment was mine to give to him. I have moments where I feel I need to protect my name or my person but I am learning that the lesson is within the situation. You can't pray for patience and become mother Teresa...you will actually be put into situations that force you to be patient.

What I have learned is that you have to dig deeper than deep. Deeper than most people are willing to go in order to live in your truth. What you will find when you get to your truth is really quite humbling and simple; like really taking a deep breath and letting it go.

When I read your post the other day I realized that you are on your path to knowing your own truth. I wish with all of my soul that I had the answers for you but we both know that THIS time is part ofthe lesson. How do you deal with selfish people when you are so good? I do not know. How do you learn to throw away extra food? I do not know. I do not know how to answer because those are your truths to find. It isn't about the bad relationships, it isn't about the food. It takes going way deeper than that. What do you feel inside? Afraid? Sad? Abandoned? Start in that place. Stay there with that feeling...it has to be acknowledged until you can move forward.

We've talked about how we both built this huge (no pun intended) wall on the outside, literally shielding ourselves in. But what about the inside? I would say the bigger a person is, the deeper they need to go to be in that hurt space. For us it is food that protected us all these years and it shows. I could say the same thing for the amount of alcohol someone drinks, or drugs someone takes or even how big someone's muscles get...they are all just another addiction. Another way to shield the hurt little person inside who is not acknowledged and is not allowed to live in their truth.

We are on a journey together. I promise to hold onto you and not let you fall. I know you know this, but I am saying it out loud. We met in such a happenstance way and I know it was all for a reason. I know I had to get through the weeds of bad friendships and misrepresentations to find you. You had to go through bad relationships and lying, cheating, being unappreciated to find me. I truly have two best friends who are my soulmates and I am so proud to have that type of relationship instead of 500 'likes' who refuse to go deep, who refuse to live in their truth.

Remember, what you felt the other day was God. It was a revelation that you are not alone but you need to be alone to be able to listen and move and go deep.

I took the following pyramid from Steve Pavlina's website on the seven core principles of personal growth. I have my own take on each.

Intelligence-At the core of everything is the intelligence to know that you need to keep going back deep in order to make sure that person inside is okay.

Courage-It takes courage to understand the life-long learning process of healing.

Oneness-It takes stepping away and being alone to be able to hear what your inside is telling you. Relish in those times alone because the noise of everyone else can sometimes be unbearable. Get centered and back into breath, calm, and oneness...keep checking in.

Authority-Once you have a practice of recognizing and acknowledging the core, being brave enough to go deep, and then get quiet and calm in order to listen, only then will you have authority over what happens in your life. You have the authority to rid bad people, bad behavior, bad habits that you know bring bad energy. You will remove those things that caused you to build up the outer wall because your inside now so surface.

That inner cycle will lead you to make POWERful decisions concerning your life, lead with a LOVing heart and spirit, and continually live your TRUTHful self. Once you get in that place, your life will fall into place with balance and peace. Just like your mindset changing when it comes to doritos...they look good, taste good, but they are bad for you is the same way you will look at people and situations. They will just leave a bad 'taste' in your gut.

I am here. You can finally trust that you have someone in your corner who will truly be there for you no matter how deep you have to go. I will do it without agenda, without reminding you, without judgement. I will do it because you are my sister and my friend. It is not going to be easy but I know we are meant to live in our truths and then pay it forward.

fAatyoGa-C