We've had so many requests for playlists. Here is my top music selections for working out, currently:
Pre Workout - Warm Up
Floetry - Say Yes
Jill Scott - Breathe
Goapele - Closer
Workout
Matisyahu - Ancient Lullaby
Jay-Z - On to the Next One
Beyonce - Baby Boy
Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
Beyonce - Check On It
Jay-Z - Dirt Off Your Shoulder
Jessie J - Do It Like A Dude
Matisyahu - Fire of Heaven/Alter of Earth
Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be
Jay-Z - Lost One
Buju Banton - Love Sponge
Cool Down
Bebel Gilberto - Samba da Bencao
Adele - Chasing Pavements (live)
Buju Banton - Bonafide Love
Moloko - Being is Bewildering
Nouvelle Vague - In a Manner of Speaking
U. Srinvias - Kaliyugavaradana
Meditation
Tingara - Entire Medication Album
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Q: Struggle
I couldn't decide what to actually title this post and sat and thought for quite some time yet I could not find that perfect word. As I sat there and struggled with the title and struggled with putting words together it only made sense to title it just that, struggle. Throughout this journey, this process, we sit and try to evaluate everything from portion sizes, to the clothes we wear, the stores we frequent and how many times we are active throughout the day. Eventually we get to a point where a routine is formed, we become stronger while mentally fighting those never ending thoughts of giving up or over eating just that one time. I found my routine, classes in the morning, weight lifting at night, portioned controlled eating, vitamins, and hydration. This worked felt great then I was hit with a grapefruit right on the side of my head.
I was focused on mind, body and soul yet my other half felt as if I was becoming distant and made a tough decision. I did not know what to say for once I was speechless, I couldn't find the words to comfort her nor myself. I knew that distance was going to be rough but never thought about the consequences of mental distance. When you embark on the journey of becoming mentally and physically fit that journey is your journey and primarily does not include anyone else. You let people share and support you through that journey but the journey itself is your own and that will exclude people even loved ones. My loved one felt excluded I am able to write this now after assessing the situation and this in turn made all of her own insecurities to come to light. When the pressure became too much she needed to step back yet in my mind I needed her to move forward....with me.
I have always been the strong one but never put myself first, well once I did put myself first and it was when I was 18 and decided to go to college. I made that choice and lived with the guilt of leaving my brothers and sister in the city to fend for themselves. I spent years dealing with that guilt to the point where I put law school on hold and became guardian to my younger brother and distant parent to my sister. I was brought back to that same moment, that same feeling where I felt guilty that I moved, that I became occupied with myself. That guilt just about sent me running to the border (taco bell with the fake meat) and to that daymn red bag of Doritos.
I felt alone my best friends were not around for me to vent or keep me occupied, my god daughter was in the bed sleep and hell I didn't even have my dogs. So I sat in the house laying on the couch looking up at the world asking why things just couldnt be easy for me just this one time. I managed not to go the fast food route I actually went to buy the bag of Doritos however did not buy them instead a lotto ticket. Then I got sick and I hate being sick, it was 80 outside the fair was around, mentally I was out of it annnnnddd I was sick. Of course I'm a Capricorn so I still went to Power Combat and daymn near died, severely dehydrated I continued the day until I couldnt go anymore. Sunday came couldnt go to the gym I actually felt defeated and guilty that I didnt go to the gym while continuing to deal with my relationship issue.
What i am about to tell you is the reason why it is important to have good people in your life. As I sat there with my god daughters dogs looking out the window two things happened. I received and text and a call from two people who are more family and friends. My other fAat yoGa half and my best bud hit me up at that moment and said in not so few words "its ok, you need to allow yourself to heal" that was it. You know what it IS ok to heal and take a break, regroup and move forward. Since then I have been ok, I have allowed myself to fight this cold, deal with my relationship or lack there of and myself.
We all are on a journey and there are always two roads we are faced with, a right and a left, a right and a wrong but I just chose the road less traveled. I choose the road that I will create it is not a right or a left, a right or a wrong, it just my road. There are people that will take the ride til the end and there are others who will get off on certain stops but I keep moving. I keep going, you keep going, we keep going and eventually we will meet at that one rest stop and lives will be changed again.
I was focused on mind, body and soul yet my other half felt as if I was becoming distant and made a tough decision. I did not know what to say for once I was speechless, I couldn't find the words to comfort her nor myself. I knew that distance was going to be rough but never thought about the consequences of mental distance. When you embark on the journey of becoming mentally and physically fit that journey is your journey and primarily does not include anyone else. You let people share and support you through that journey but the journey itself is your own and that will exclude people even loved ones. My loved one felt excluded I am able to write this now after assessing the situation and this in turn made all of her own insecurities to come to light. When the pressure became too much she needed to step back yet in my mind I needed her to move forward....with me.
I have always been the strong one but never put myself first, well once I did put myself first and it was when I was 18 and decided to go to college. I made that choice and lived with the guilt of leaving my brothers and sister in the city to fend for themselves. I spent years dealing with that guilt to the point where I put law school on hold and became guardian to my younger brother and distant parent to my sister. I was brought back to that same moment, that same feeling where I felt guilty that I moved, that I became occupied with myself. That guilt just about sent me running to the border (taco bell with the fake meat) and to that daymn red bag of Doritos.
I felt alone my best friends were not around for me to vent or keep me occupied, my god daughter was in the bed sleep and hell I didn't even have my dogs. So I sat in the house laying on the couch looking up at the world asking why things just couldnt be easy for me just this one time. I managed not to go the fast food route I actually went to buy the bag of Doritos however did not buy them instead a lotto ticket. Then I got sick and I hate being sick, it was 80 outside the fair was around, mentally I was out of it annnnnddd I was sick. Of course I'm a Capricorn so I still went to Power Combat and daymn near died, severely dehydrated I continued the day until I couldnt go anymore. Sunday came couldnt go to the gym I actually felt defeated and guilty that I didnt go to the gym while continuing to deal with my relationship issue.
What i am about to tell you is the reason why it is important to have good people in your life. As I sat there with my god daughters dogs looking out the window two things happened. I received and text and a call from two people who are more family and friends. My other fAat yoGa half and my best bud hit me up at that moment and said in not so few words "its ok, you need to allow yourself to heal" that was it. You know what it IS ok to heal and take a break, regroup and move forward. Since then I have been ok, I have allowed myself to fight this cold, deal with my relationship or lack there of and myself.
We all are on a journey and there are always two roads we are faced with, a right and a left, a right and a wrong but I just chose the road less traveled. I choose the road that I will create it is not a right or a left, a right or a wrong, it just my road. There are people that will take the ride til the end and there are others who will get off on certain stops but I keep moving. I keep going, you keep going, we keep going and eventually we will meet at that one rest stop and lives will be changed again.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
C: Travel (2)
I wanted to upload some of my traveling pics...including the delicious food I got to eat while away in Miami!
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| Local veggies topped with a Greek yogurt/tomato/onion mixture |
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| My travel buddy...took her 4 days to eat the entire thing. I would only let her take a portion at at time :) |
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| Chicken and veg soup. This was so rich, I only ate 1/3 of it along with a piece of oat bread and butter |
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| For this meal, I left the garlic bread alone and asked for a side of steamed spinach. It was delicious!! |
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| The best humus I have ever had...I had fun sharing! |
C: Travel
One of my biggest fears in losing weight is traveling. I've always looked at traveling as an excuse to eat whatever I want because...hell...I'm on vacation. Even if I'm traveling for work, it becomes a break from my normal routine. I don't have to get Bug up and out to school, I don't have to walk the dogs....that is a vacation. Between Miami last weekend and traveling to Indy this past weekend and week I feel like I've finally learned to balance my 'vacation' and not go overboard. How I did it? Planned. For my Miami trip, I knew that Bug and I would be in the car for a over 3 hours so I enlisted her help and we packed some energy boosting, stomach filling snacks. Lots of fresh fruit, nuts, dried fruit and lots and lots of water. We stopped at Subway but, really, any restaurant has healthy options, most have salads. This time, instead of looking forward to going overboard breakfast lunch and dinner, I looked forward to walking around, sight-seeing, and taking in the atmosphere. I ordered fresh salads, pizza from the childrens' menu (great for portion control), bought fruit for the room, and skipped the drive-by snack stations. I must have said 'no thank you' 20 times to the folks with samples on their trays. Amazingly, the folks I was with followed suit. We toured art galleries, lounged in bookstores, hiked the stairs to see amazing views, and walked, walked, walked.
For my Indy trip, I had to plan a little differently. One, the weather is 40 degrees colder so staying motivated to workout is, well, another fear. Two...shot shot shot shot shot shot (like the song)...my coworkers like to drink. So.....I bought items for my room for breakfast. Stick with salads and protein at lunch and for dinner I have been sticking with hearty soups and/or chili. Right now I am noshing on chicken tortilla soup. For the alcohol, I am trying to stay with a rum and a diet. But I have had cranberry and vodka and a mojito while I have been here. I allow 1-2 and sip water the rest of the way...I feel social but not throwing my body way off track. My hotel also has an awesome gym. This is a plus when traveling. I called ahead and am taking advantage of their 'in your room' program where they left an exercise ball, yoga mat, jump rope, and stretchy band...wonderful, wonderful idea for travelers who want to stick to their workout routines!
Here are my top 6 travel tips in order to keep your fAat yoGa routine on track:
1.Indulge, don't overeat. Allow yourself to have those expensive wines or to die for chocolate cake. You don't normally have this stuff at home so share with a loved one by getting one portion to split.
2.Pack snacks. I carried my water bottle with me that comes with its own filter. This not only saves me money because the bottle's filter = 300 24oz bottles, but I can also make sure I am staying hydrated.
3.Fill you room with goodness. Skip the expensive hotel breakfast and keep the in room dining at bay by having snacks in your room. I was able to call ahead and have fruit available in my room everyday and I also had a friend bring me to the local grocery store in order to pick up some familiar favorites.
4.Take in the sights! Be a tourist whether you are visiting for the first time or the 10th time. As you walk, take notice of architecture, discover new places. Yesterday I found a little French bistro that has been in Indy for 2 years...I didn't even know it existed!!
5.Enjoy the social aspect, responsibly. Drinking alcohol dehydrates your body but let's face it, drinking can be a fun way to help unwind as well. Try and eat protein and veggies during the day...this will give you room for all the sugar/carbs in mixed drinks at night without the guilt.
6.Keep your workout routine. Many hotels have gyms and pools. Call ahead and ask what sort of services they offer and ask for local maps for running and walking around the hotel. Pack those sneakers and favorite workout clothes!
For my Indy trip, I had to plan a little differently. One, the weather is 40 degrees colder so staying motivated to workout is, well, another fear. Two...shot shot shot shot shot shot (like the song)...my coworkers like to drink. So.....I bought items for my room for breakfast. Stick with salads and protein at lunch and for dinner I have been sticking with hearty soups and/or chili. Right now I am noshing on chicken tortilla soup. For the alcohol, I am trying to stay with a rum and a diet. But I have had cranberry and vodka and a mojito while I have been here. I allow 1-2 and sip water the rest of the way...I feel social but not throwing my body way off track. My hotel also has an awesome gym. This is a plus when traveling. I called ahead and am taking advantage of their 'in your room' program where they left an exercise ball, yoga mat, jump rope, and stretchy band...wonderful, wonderful idea for travelers who want to stick to their workout routines!
Here are my top 6 travel tips in order to keep your fAat yoGa routine on track:
1.Indulge, don't overeat. Allow yourself to have those expensive wines or to die for chocolate cake. You don't normally have this stuff at home so share with a loved one by getting one portion to split.
2.Pack snacks. I carried my water bottle with me that comes with its own filter. This not only saves me money because the bottle's filter = 300 24oz bottles, but I can also make sure I am staying hydrated.
3.Fill you room with goodness. Skip the expensive hotel breakfast and keep the in room dining at bay by having snacks in your room. I was able to call ahead and have fruit available in my room everyday and I also had a friend bring me to the local grocery store in order to pick up some familiar favorites.
4.Take in the sights! Be a tourist whether you are visiting for the first time or the 10th time. As you walk, take notice of architecture, discover new places. Yesterday I found a little French bistro that has been in Indy for 2 years...I didn't even know it existed!!
5.Enjoy the social aspect, responsibly. Drinking alcohol dehydrates your body but let's face it, drinking can be a fun way to help unwind as well. Try and eat protein and veggies during the day...this will give you room for all the sugar/carbs in mixed drinks at night without the guilt.
6.Keep your workout routine. Many hotels have gyms and pools. Call ahead and ask what sort of services they offer and ask for local maps for running and walking around the hotel. Pack those sneakers and favorite workout clothes!
Q: Ear Hustling
Definition: The art of listening to someones conversation without being caught AKA being nosy
I was at work and found myself getting lost in thought due to the break in phone activity when one of the supervisors walked over and began talking. He was not talking to me instead he was talking to another supervisor who does not sit far from me. I sat there and stared at my computer because this company frowns upon going online for anything (which in todays world is ridiculous) and I actually started to day dream then I heard "I went shopping". So I perked up and mind went off and then these questions came into my head " ooh what did he buy?" "was it something cute?" "Sexy and gay (he is such a cute gay man)." What was actually said next was delightful to my surprise, he said that he bought those shows that make it feel like your running barefoot. I have been talking about those shoes for a few weeks until that ear hustled conversation.
I listened as he spoke to her about how he had to separate his toes to get in the shoe. I listened as he spent 2mins discussing the fact that it was difficult because he wears pointy shoes. I listened as he spoke about the color which matched his running outfit. I listened hoping he would just say where he got them from and when this didn't happen I got up and walk over and said. "Scuse me, I was over there ear hustling (puzzled face) and you bought those shoes that look like Fred Flintstone feet. How did they feel? was it easier to run in? where did you buy them?" They both stood there looking at me with this puzzled face and said "Ear Hustling." WTH (my thoughts lol) I rephrased the question and said in the worst imitation of an English accent "while you were over here talking I overheard that you purchased those fine shoes of which resemble the feet of Fred Flintstone." They both laughed but the information he told me was great. He said that it took a few times for him to get used to them but running was alot easier. Of course I was excited, I was looking for a shoe that would keep me balanced while supporting my weight especially while working out.
Eventually I was informed that those shoes were made for people with narrow feet and narrow feet is not what I have. So of course I am pissed because I really feel that a shoe like that would work wonders for my posture and form especially while doing yoga. Because I don't walk on the prescribed path I will go and try out the shoes however I will keep in mind that i am looking for something that will support the weight I carry. This leads me to the most important thing IT IS IMPORTANT TO INVEST IN GOOD WORKOUT SHOES. Some people are cheap I on the other hand will spend money for sneakers but more for fashion or matching an outfit or fitted hat not for working out. That is part of the change in mindset because you just cant run or even walk if its on your ankles. Now why would these shoes be made for the narrow footed who the hell knows because they are ugly. Regardless of the different colors that they come in the idea is to feel like you're walking or running without shoes. I am unsure if everyone is aware but feet come in all shapes sizes and arches, so if this is true the company is losing out on a huge demographic. Remember find your shoe work it out and you too will get the best workout.
I was at work and found myself getting lost in thought due to the break in phone activity when one of the supervisors walked over and began talking. He was not talking to me instead he was talking to another supervisor who does not sit far from me. I sat there and stared at my computer because this company frowns upon going online for anything (which in todays world is ridiculous) and I actually started to day dream then I heard "I went shopping". So I perked up and mind went off and then these questions came into my head " ooh what did he buy?" "was it something cute?" "Sexy and gay (he is such a cute gay man)." What was actually said next was delightful to my surprise, he said that he bought those shows that make it feel like your running barefoot. I have been talking about those shoes for a few weeks until that ear hustled conversation.
I listened as he spoke to her about how he had to separate his toes to get in the shoe. I listened as he spent 2mins discussing the fact that it was difficult because he wears pointy shoes. I listened as he spoke about the color which matched his running outfit. I listened hoping he would just say where he got them from and when this didn't happen I got up and walk over and said. "Scuse me, I was over there ear hustling (puzzled face) and you bought those shoes that look like Fred Flintstone feet. How did they feel? was it easier to run in? where did you buy them?" They both stood there looking at me with this puzzled face and said "Ear Hustling." WTH (my thoughts lol) I rephrased the question and said in the worst imitation of an English accent "while you were over here talking I overheard that you purchased those fine shoes of which resemble the feet of Fred Flintstone." They both laughed but the information he told me was great. He said that it took a few times for him to get used to them but running was alot easier. Of course I was excited, I was looking for a shoe that would keep me balanced while supporting my weight especially while working out.
Eventually I was informed that those shoes were made for people with narrow feet and narrow feet is not what I have. So of course I am pissed because I really feel that a shoe like that would work wonders for my posture and form especially while doing yoga. Because I don't walk on the prescribed path I will go and try out the shoes however I will keep in mind that i am looking for something that will support the weight I carry. This leads me to the most important thing IT IS IMPORTANT TO INVEST IN GOOD WORKOUT SHOES. Some people are cheap I on the other hand will spend money for sneakers but more for fashion or matching an outfit or fitted hat not for working out. That is part of the change in mindset because you just cant run or even walk if its on your ankles. Now why would these shoes be made for the narrow footed who the hell knows because they are ugly. Regardless of the different colors that they come in the idea is to feel like you're walking or running without shoes. I am unsure if everyone is aware but feet come in all shapes sizes and arches, so if this is true the company is losing out on a huge demographic. Remember find your shoe work it out and you too will get the best workout.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Q: Low Cal Dinner
I just made an amazing dinner that I threw together from some of the everyday items I have around the house. Surprisingly enough it had a great taste and was low cal, listed is the recipe hope you enjoy. The best thing about this recipe is that you can add your own spices (I would try not to add too much salt), vegetables and its fast I made it in about 20min.
1 cup of broccoli
1 cup of cauliflower
1 cup of carrots
1 cup of morning star chick'n strips (can use chicken breast just slice thin)
1/2 cup of mango
Garlic (put as little or as much as you would like)
pepper
1/2 cup of peppers (hot)
pinch of salt
1 table spoon of olive oil
Quick Tip: you can purchase a steamable bag of mixed vegetables to save a bunch of time...
Preparation:
heat a pan add oil, garlic, vegetables and let saute until tender. Once tender add the chick'n strips mango, peppers and a pinch of salt. Cook for about 5 minutes constantly tossing so as not to burn. Heat a wrap in the oven I use a generic bran I purchased from BJ's that is 45 calories and low carb. Take out warmed wrap add contents from the pan, fold and eat.
If you use actual Chicken follow the same instructions however cook the chicken first then add the vegetables. This dish can make about 4-5 servings or wraps and is probably a total of 200 calories.
1 cup of broccoli
1 cup of cauliflower
1 cup of carrots
1 cup of morning star chick'n strips (can use chicken breast just slice thin)
1/2 cup of mango
Garlic (put as little or as much as you would like)
pepper
1/2 cup of peppers (hot)
pinch of salt
1 table spoon of olive oil
Quick Tip: you can purchase a steamable bag of mixed vegetables to save a bunch of time...
Preparation:
heat a pan add oil, garlic, vegetables and let saute until tender. Once tender add the chick'n strips mango, peppers and a pinch of salt. Cook for about 5 minutes constantly tossing so as not to burn. Heat a wrap in the oven I use a generic bran I purchased from BJ's that is 45 calories and low carb. Take out warmed wrap add contents from the pan, fold and eat.
If you use actual Chicken follow the same instructions however cook the chicken first then add the vegetables. This dish can make about 4-5 servings or wraps and is probably a total of 200 calories.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Q: dA-Feet
This week was almost a disaster, going through this I took certain things into account. First I knew that I was going to have to push through the workouts. Second, I also realized that eating the right things was essential so I had to mentally prepare myself for my most daunting food...the Salad (hate em). Third one of the most important things, working out. So I prepared, ran scenarios in my mind, how to conquer the salad, how to wake up early, how to mentally get through the workouts, and you know I was able to do those things the first few days. Then came something I didnt expect, what happens when you run into a wall in your personal life? Whether its your child saying not to go, the family pets needing more attention, death, a new life, or issues with your significant other, hmm didn't prepare for that.
So this week when life didn't go as smoothly found myself almost taking part in a health food FAIL. When the stress began to come down from an area I had not prepared for I found myself mentally convincing myself that I could cheat that one time. I sat in my car 15min into my 30min drive home hungry and convinced myself that if I went to McDonalds and bought 1 double cheeseburger (yup i needed a double) and a small bag of the Red bag of Doritos and drank water that would be cool. Hell I even calculated that if I didnt eat the Doritos instead licked the cheese off the chip it would save me some calories. Well I didnt do it instead of going to the gym I actually went home. I was hungry before the problems started, the problem was my excuse and I fought hard and decided I would just take the evening off from the gym (of which I went to in the morning) and instead feed the body that now craved healthy food. So I learned that you cannot prepare enough for the unexpected just have tools handy to find an alternative. This will be the first weekend without C and as she sheds insight on fAat yoGa from the road, I'll be writing about being alone with yourself. When she was around I didnt just have myself to be accountable, I was also accountable to the person who was doing this project with me. I am wishing myself a good luck and fighting the urge to lick one of those chips lol.
So this week when life didn't go as smoothly found myself almost taking part in a health food FAIL. When the stress began to come down from an area I had not prepared for I found myself mentally convincing myself that I could cheat that one time. I sat in my car 15min into my 30min drive home hungry and convinced myself that if I went to McDonalds and bought 1 double cheeseburger (yup i needed a double) and a small bag of the Red bag of Doritos and drank water that would be cool. Hell I even calculated that if I didnt eat the Doritos instead licked the cheese off the chip it would save me some calories. Well I didnt do it instead of going to the gym I actually went home. I was hungry before the problems started, the problem was my excuse and I fought hard and decided I would just take the evening off from the gym (of which I went to in the morning) and instead feed the body that now craved healthy food. So I learned that you cannot prepare enough for the unexpected just have tools handy to find an alternative. This will be the first weekend without C and as she sheds insight on fAat yoGa from the road, I'll be writing about being alone with yourself. When she was around I didnt just have myself to be accountable, I was also accountable to the person who was doing this project with me. I am wishing myself a good luck and fighting the urge to lick one of those chips lol.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
C:Da-Feet
I could write an entire entry on how I felt defeated this week after working out with Chris, the trainer but I won't. Instead, I am moving past it. The pain I feel is real and, for me, I know that working with a trainer is just not for me...yet. When starting a fitness plan, stay realistic...it took you some time to put the weight on and it will take some time to get the weight off. If anything, Chris gave me information and techniques to show me where my body was and what I need to do to take it to the next level. I definitely know my weak spots. I am pumped to get away this weekend and take fAat yoGa on the road as I visit friends in Miami. I am challenging myself to stay on my nutrition plan through this vacation because taking a vacation from nutrition is not smart...that does not really equal vacation. Vacation is not an excuse to over eat. I plan on doing a ton of walking and sightseeing and, crossed fingers, I hope the hotel has a pool.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
C: Addiction, My Story
I don't know if this is addiction or not. But what I feel is that I have to write my brief story to let you all know that you are not alone. We ALL have issues. We ALL have something we struggle with. The complexity of my journey is hard to type out but here is how my mind sees it now...in this very moment. After this entry, I will have let it go...here it is...out to the world...
I've always prided myself on having things together. Get good grades, play sports, be a good daughter but nothing seemed right because the core of who I was, was always questioned. I am biracial and since a little girl, my 'race' has always been questioned. Adults and kids alike could not get past including or talking to me until they knew 'what are you mixed with?'. I went to predominantly white schools in the burbs so I was always the 'biggest' girl in my class. Even though my frame and weight were perfect, I was always so much bigger than my white friends. The black girls who did go to school with me accused me of being 'too white' and I always struggled to gain everyone's acceptance. So...I found my funny bone. I found my voice by sticking up for kids who got picked on...always hoping that someone would come forward and stick up for me. But alas...I was the funny black friend who was 'not like the other black girls' to my white friends and the 'black guys like you because you look white' to my black friends. The only time I felt accepted was when I was home with my mom and brother. My mother 'fed' our hurt by feeding all of us. In a world of newly introduced microwaves and processed food, being home was 'safe'...a place from all the hurt. Because I was athletic, I never worried about my weight...I seemed to eat what I wanted and never really gained weight. After high school I went away to college and, for the first time, found true acceptance because all of my new friends were made up of all kinds of mixes...eclectic white girls with hippie parents, columbian/black girls with doctors for fathers, german/chinese boys who's mothers loved me. Even with this new found love...my food consumption did not stop. It has never really stopped. Every year I gained. Because of my upbringing though, I was a confident person. I have always had an ego..you cannot tell my brother and I any different. It was a true gift my mother gave us and I have trouble understanding 'insecurity'. But that's another blog...So...eating bad and a healthy ego caused so much weight gain. I always dated, I always had a guy, always had lots of friends. Speaking of guys, one in particular became the love of my life at 19. Due to timing and working on our own careers, we were on and off for years. I am now 35 and have finally decided to be off...for good. I saw that a lot of my patterns were because of my relationship with him. He was the old me...there was no room for him in my new life. This past November, while sitting on the beach contemplating suicide, I decided to give my life one more go. Well...actually...God whispered 'why don't you give it one more go Cara? This time...you need to FEEL the hurt'. So..I got into my card, drove home and went to sleep. For the next month, I felt the hurt. I cried and cried and cried until I could cry no more. A friend came to visit and I cried with her. I was quiet with my thoughts. Then, on New Years he called. In the middle of the conversation I realized he was bating me into an argument with 10mins left until the ball dropped. In that very moment I remembered what God said on the beach...'give it one more go' and I LET GO. If you have gotten this far in my entry, I invite you to watch 'Letting Go' a youtube video I made after I let go of him. He was the last piece to let go before beginning this journey. I've been standing at one side of the river for so long, it is time I start to walk (literally) and explore the rest of my life.
I've always prided myself on having things together. Get good grades, play sports, be a good daughter but nothing seemed right because the core of who I was, was always questioned. I am biracial and since a little girl, my 'race' has always been questioned. Adults and kids alike could not get past including or talking to me until they knew 'what are you mixed with?'. I went to predominantly white schools in the burbs so I was always the 'biggest' girl in my class. Even though my frame and weight were perfect, I was always so much bigger than my white friends. The black girls who did go to school with me accused me of being 'too white' and I always struggled to gain everyone's acceptance. So...I found my funny bone. I found my voice by sticking up for kids who got picked on...always hoping that someone would come forward and stick up for me. But alas...I was the funny black friend who was 'not like the other black girls' to my white friends and the 'black guys like you because you look white' to my black friends. The only time I felt accepted was when I was home with my mom and brother. My mother 'fed' our hurt by feeding all of us. In a world of newly introduced microwaves and processed food, being home was 'safe'...a place from all the hurt. Because I was athletic, I never worried about my weight...I seemed to eat what I wanted and never really gained weight. After high school I went away to college and, for the first time, found true acceptance because all of my new friends were made up of all kinds of mixes...eclectic white girls with hippie parents, columbian/black girls with doctors for fathers, german/chinese boys who's mothers loved me. Even with this new found love...my food consumption did not stop. It has never really stopped. Every year I gained. Because of my upbringing though, I was a confident person. I have always had an ego..you cannot tell my brother and I any different. It was a true gift my mother gave us and I have trouble understanding 'insecurity'. But that's another blog...So...eating bad and a healthy ego caused so much weight gain. I always dated, I always had a guy, always had lots of friends. Speaking of guys, one in particular became the love of my life at 19. Due to timing and working on our own careers, we were on and off for years. I am now 35 and have finally decided to be off...for good. I saw that a lot of my patterns were because of my relationship with him. He was the old me...there was no room for him in my new life. This past November, while sitting on the beach contemplating suicide, I decided to give my life one more go. Well...actually...God whispered 'why don't you give it one more go Cara? This time...you need to FEEL the hurt'. So..I got into my card, drove home and went to sleep. For the next month, I felt the hurt. I cried and cried and cried until I could cry no more. A friend came to visit and I cried with her. I was quiet with my thoughts. Then, on New Years he called. In the middle of the conversation I realized he was bating me into an argument with 10mins left until the ball dropped. In that very moment I remembered what God said on the beach...'give it one more go' and I LET GO. If you have gotten this far in my entry, I invite you to watch 'Letting Go' a youtube video I made after I let go of him. He was the last piece to let go before beginning this journey. I've been standing at one side of the river for so long, it is time I start to walk (literally) and explore the rest of my life.
Q:Addiction my story: dedicated to my mom
Have you ever wanted something so bad but for one reason or another you just thought about it for a very long time like a new car, new sneakers or an expensive purse? You know that feeling you get once you decide you want the item buy and it feel gratified? That is the same process you go though when you embark on something that will be a life changing experience like losing weight. I found myself having that moment however, realized that in order to really move on I had to deal with the real issue. But what was the real issue? So I stumbled over that question for months and it took me to move out of NY and land in Tampa I had to confront my own addiction.
For a good part of my life I was raised by my mom in a small apartment on 118th st and 1st ave. Harlem NY. Things were as good as they could be at the time, the apartment was small, the pipes constantly froze during the winter and compound that with splinters from the wood floors and no heat. For years it was me and mom, things were great, eventually she met my brothers father and was pregnant,life was changing in a good way. Time went by my brothers father was killed and mom changed, I think at that point is where the change happened. My brother was born (insert smiley face), Sexual abuse was exposed (insert sad face), and the light dimmed a bit until she met my younger sisters father.
Meeting my sisters father was the best thing that happened to my mom, it was as if the light went back on in her mind and she really smiled again. He was the super of the building we then lived in, things in the house were being fixed eventually we were able to move into the projects (huge back then). Life was good with all the possibilities of what was to come, they got married we moved and that is where the nightmare began. Now this part is a bit difficult, not for me, but for my sister, regardless of all the evil he put into the world he was and will always be her father and that's something he did very well.
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."I had a dream, which was not all a dream/The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars/Did wander darkling in the eternal space,/Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth/ Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;/Morn came, and went and came, and brought no day,/And men forgot their passions in the dread..." Lord Byron
The next few years seemed more like a lifetime movie than my life. It started with arguing and progressed to yelling, things around the house began to either disappear into the garbage or were no longer put together. My mother changed, smiles were gone, her room door remained closed, the talking stopped the laughter stopped. I remember the night I smelled it for the first time, it was late I would lay there and listen to the sound of him slapping her. This time it was different I kept hearing a lighter that faint flicker as you put your thumb on the metal piece waiting for the spark. (Crack smells awful) Eventually heard someone pull then cough I knew it was him but who knows that could have been my mom and the first pull or her 20th of her life.
"font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">I eventually got used to the smell, the glassy eyes, the way the house began to fall apart, and the way that the cupboards were bare, but I never got used to hearing my mom cry. During that time I don't remember her laughing again, she must have at some point but the sounds of her head being punched against the wall has filled that memory. Although I was a child the role I played was no more, I became a parent my brother and my sister needed protection. Eventually he would leave, I would have killed him, but he left but my mom never came back. She fell deep into the addiction, forgetting to buy food, owing dealers her entire check, having strange people come in and out of the house.
I grew up quick, she was no longer the person i knew and would resent her for that for years after but I was not alone. My aunt Jean and my Grandma really helped us and really helped me so when my aunt died a part of me did as well. That was so tough and still til this day i hurt just thinking about that, thinking about those times when it was just her and I talking. Something really happened to my mom at that point, she really became a drug user, she used more than we ate. Money for food, clothes, personal items they all went to drugs. Eventually my grandmother would pass and she lost herself and she began to lose us.
Other events occurred during those years and I was able to leave and go to college (first person in the family insert smiley face). Although, I achieved what most experts say is not possible I did it, I graduated, it was my day and I wanted my family to be there. No one came from my immediate family and it hurt, but I waited, I waited for her, I waited for my mom and she didn't come. At times I think about that day and the fact that she was not there to see what I accomplished still makes me emotional.
I graduated from a 4 year program, I surrounded myself with amazing people, I had my own apartment of which I paid bills, I grew up and she didn't share that with me. Later while speaking with her she said that she wanted to come but she didn't because she thought I would be ashamed of her. As I sit here and write those words it hurts just to remember that. My anger couldn't say what I later can say as an adult and that's simply "I would have been proud just to take a picture with you"
This brings me to today February 5th, 2011 my mom has been clean for a few years now and our relationship has changed. Today I met with a personal trainer and I was very confidant, walked in overweight but ego pretty high. I hit the treadmill for a little over a mile, feeling good. I got through all of the required assessments but there was just one more thing left, the BMI machine. I knew it was going to be high I actually prepared myself for that but what I didnt prepare for was the reality of it all. Today I learned that I have some much fat on me that the machine could not register it.
WOW! I was crushed, you couldn't tell, but I was, I tried to go through this process the same way I learned how to live life. Just put the hurt and disappointment out of your mind and keep moving on, just keep going forward. I felt like a failure I failed the most important person in all of this and that was myself. As a child I took care of my brother, sister and at times my mom. I had 2 suite cases and no clue what to do and moved away and went to college. Later I would become full guardian to my little brother and carry the guilt of not being able to take my sister. All of this I did with a limited budget or know how, I learned as I went but out of all of that I failed myself. Today I had a low moment but I processed it, allowed myself to feel the emotion and I came to term with the fact that I became an addict.
For so long I fought hard against being like my mother. I would always say I'll never be like her, I never even tried certain drugs in college because I was scared of becoming addicted to them. But my addiction got me to the place where I am now. When I was 19 I promised myself that I would never be hungry again, when I was 22 I promised my brother that her would never have to "want" again and at 23 I promised my sister that things would get better.
You know I was never hungry again, I made sure to stock my cabinets and my fridge and nope things really didnt get thrown away. Eventually I convinced myself that cleaning a plate piled with food is the only way to eat. I worked and numbed the stress of being a parent, still being a kid, and feeling helpless with my sister away. Holding onto that guilt and hurt and anger compounded with my addiction to food is what I am today. Being like my mom has always been one of the scariest things for me, addiction has always been a word that I dared not say. That is why its important for me to say because I have my own form of addiction. I am like my mom we dont confront hurt we just move on and prepare for the next day. I learned that, hell I ate that for years but I'm ok. I am o.k.
My mom is one of the strongest people I know, but for years I thought she was so weak because she chose something over us. She has experienced so much loss in her life, my father the first half of my life, my brothers father, being physically and mentally abused, her sister, mother, brother and then us (im not including some of her close friends). I feel so blessed that all she came out with was an addiction to crack, hell it could be that plus coke, or heroin and alcohol. She had to go away to get clean, I had to move away to get clean, she had to choose to do that for herself, I have to choose to do this for myself.
I didnt understand then what it was to go through tragedy after tragedy and consume yourself in something, until this time in my life. I was very angry for so long even when she was away in the addiction program, all I wanted to do was yell and say why did you choose that? why did you not protect us? in all reality even if I could ask she wouldn't know the answer, as I do not know now. I don't know what happened in my life that changed everything and would eventually lead me to this point. But what I do know is what has changed in order for me to fight my own battle with addiction and overcome it.
On January 4th, 1980 I was the first child born to Angela Clark at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC. I am not ashamed of where I come from and I am proud of my mother. I am not ashamed of what I have done to my body and I'm proud of the transformation that will come. fAat yoGa was created out of that same fear that my mom once had of being strong and it comes from the same fear I have of failure. Saying and understanding that you are an addict who has some form of addiction is one of the strongest things you can do. If you can conquer that first step everything else is easy. Gaining a large amount of weight doesn't happen overnight and it does not mean lack of effort there is always a deeper issue. I confronted that today and as I share this with you my hurt is gone, my anger is gone, my fear is gone, I just let that all go, its time to move on I have to do this for myself.
For a good part of my life I was raised by my mom in a small apartment on 118th st and 1st ave. Harlem NY. Things were as good as they could be at the time, the apartment was small, the pipes constantly froze during the winter and compound that with splinters from the wood floors and no heat. For years it was me and mom, things were great, eventually she met my brothers father and was pregnant,life was changing in a good way. Time went by my brothers father was killed and mom changed, I think at that point is where the change happened. My brother was born (insert smiley face), Sexual abuse was exposed (insert sad face), and the light dimmed a bit until she met my younger sisters father.
Meeting my sisters father was the best thing that happened to my mom, it was as if the light went back on in her mind and she really smiled again. He was the super of the building we then lived in, things in the house were being fixed eventually we were able to move into the projects (huge back then). Life was good with all the possibilities of what was to come, they got married we moved and that is where the nightmare began. Now this part is a bit difficult, not for me, but for my sister, regardless of all the evil he put into the world he was and will always be her father and that's something he did very well.
text-align: center;">
."I had a dream, which was not all a dream/The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars/Did wander darkling in the eternal space,/Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth/ Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;/Morn came, and went and came, and brought no day,/And men forgot their passions in the dread..." Lord Byron
The next few years seemed more like a lifetime movie than my life. It started with arguing and progressed to yelling, things around the house began to either disappear into the garbage or were no longer put together. My mother changed, smiles were gone, her room door remained closed, the talking stopped the laughter stopped. I remember the night I smelled it for the first time, it was late I would lay there and listen to the sound of him slapping her. This time it was different I kept hearing a lighter that faint flicker as you put your thumb on the metal piece waiting for the spark. (Crack smells awful) Eventually heard someone pull then cough I knew it was him but who knows that could have been my mom and the first pull or her 20th of her life.
"font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">I eventually got used to the smell, the glassy eyes, the way the house began to fall apart, and the way that the cupboards were bare, but I never got used to hearing my mom cry. During that time I don't remember her laughing again, she must have at some point but the sounds of her head being punched against the wall has filled that memory. Although I was a child the role I played was no more, I became a parent my brother and my sister needed protection. Eventually he would leave, I would have killed him, but he left but my mom never came back. She fell deep into the addiction, forgetting to buy food, owing dealers her entire check, having strange people come in and out of the house.
I grew up quick, she was no longer the person i knew and would resent her for that for years after but I was not alone. My aunt Jean and my Grandma really helped us and really helped me so when my aunt died a part of me did as well. That was so tough and still til this day i hurt just thinking about that, thinking about those times when it was just her and I talking. Something really happened to my mom at that point, she really became a drug user, she used more than we ate. Money for food, clothes, personal items they all went to drugs. Eventually my grandmother would pass and she lost herself and she began to lose us.
Other events occurred during those years and I was able to leave and go to college (first person in the family insert smiley face). Although, I achieved what most experts say is not possible I did it, I graduated, it was my day and I wanted my family to be there. No one came from my immediate family and it hurt, but I waited, I waited for her, I waited for my mom and she didn't come. At times I think about that day and the fact that she was not there to see what I accomplished still makes me emotional.
I graduated from a 4 year program, I surrounded myself with amazing people, I had my own apartment of which I paid bills, I grew up and she didn't share that with me. Later while speaking with her she said that she wanted to come but she didn't because she thought I would be ashamed of her. As I sit here and write those words it hurts just to remember that. My anger couldn't say what I later can say as an adult and that's simply "I would have been proud just to take a picture with you"
This brings me to today February 5th, 2011 my mom has been clean for a few years now and our relationship has changed. Today I met with a personal trainer and I was very confidant, walked in overweight but ego pretty high. I hit the treadmill for a little over a mile, feeling good. I got through all of the required assessments but there was just one more thing left, the BMI machine. I knew it was going to be high I actually prepared myself for that but what I didnt prepare for was the reality of it all. Today I learned that I have some much fat on me that the machine could not register it.
WOW! I was crushed, you couldn't tell, but I was, I tried to go through this process the same way I learned how to live life. Just put the hurt and disappointment out of your mind and keep moving on, just keep going forward. I felt like a failure I failed the most important person in all of this and that was myself. As a child I took care of my brother, sister and at times my mom. I had 2 suite cases and no clue what to do and moved away and went to college. Later I would become full guardian to my little brother and carry the guilt of not being able to take my sister. All of this I did with a limited budget or know how, I learned as I went but out of all of that I failed myself. Today I had a low moment but I processed it, allowed myself to feel the emotion and I came to term with the fact that I became an addict.
For so long I fought hard against being like my mother. I would always say I'll never be like her, I never even tried certain drugs in college because I was scared of becoming addicted to them. But my addiction got me to the place where I am now. When I was 19 I promised myself that I would never be hungry again, when I was 22 I promised my brother that her would never have to "want" again and at 23 I promised my sister that things would get better.
You know I was never hungry again, I made sure to stock my cabinets and my fridge and nope things really didnt get thrown away. Eventually I convinced myself that cleaning a plate piled with food is the only way to eat. I worked and numbed the stress of being a parent, still being a kid, and feeling helpless with my sister away. Holding onto that guilt and hurt and anger compounded with my addiction to food is what I am today. Being like my mom has always been one of the scariest things for me, addiction has always been a word that I dared not say. That is why its important for me to say because I have my own form of addiction. I am like my mom we dont confront hurt we just move on and prepare for the next day. I learned that, hell I ate that for years but I'm ok. I am o.k.
My mom is one of the strongest people I know, but for years I thought she was so weak because she chose something over us. She has experienced so much loss in her life, my father the first half of my life, my brothers father, being physically and mentally abused, her sister, mother, brother and then us (im not including some of her close friends). I feel so blessed that all she came out with was an addiction to crack, hell it could be that plus coke, or heroin and alcohol. She had to go away to get clean, I had to move away to get clean, she had to choose to do that for herself, I have to choose to do this for myself.
I didnt understand then what it was to go through tragedy after tragedy and consume yourself in something, until this time in my life. I was very angry for so long even when she was away in the addiction program, all I wanted to do was yell and say why did you choose that? why did you not protect us? in all reality even if I could ask she wouldn't know the answer, as I do not know now. I don't know what happened in my life that changed everything and would eventually lead me to this point. But what I do know is what has changed in order for me to fight my own battle with addiction and overcome it.
On January 4th, 1980 I was the first child born to Angela Clark at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC. I am not ashamed of where I come from and I am proud of my mother. I am not ashamed of what I have done to my body and I'm proud of the transformation that will come. fAat yoGa was created out of that same fear that my mom once had of being strong and it comes from the same fear I have of failure. Saying and understanding that you are an addict who has some form of addiction is one of the strongest things you can do. If you can conquer that first step everything else is easy. Gaining a large amount of weight doesn't happen overnight and it does not mean lack of effort there is always a deeper issue. I confronted that today and as I share this with you my hurt is gone, my anger is gone, my fear is gone, I just let that all go, its time to move on I have to do this for myself.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Q:Day 2:Meaning Behind Blog Name
Just to add on to what C has already touched upon this blog is about getting up and doing Yoga and any other sport or workout routine for the first time without being scared. Many people have that fear of trying something new especially when it comes to working out. The thought of walking into that gym and being the biggest one there, or that feeling of shame when you look in the mirror after a shower or not looking in the mirror is what has driven me to fAat yoGa. C is correct by saying that this is a process but it is also a movement. I think that yoGa is about the way the body moves and depicts what the body can do but it has been geared to the skinny the ultra thin, it is not for the big boy (boi) or big girl until now. Everyone that I have met who has done yoga has always said "yeah do it you will do great" but those who have said it do not have to lose more than 40lbs and they don't have to hold that much weight to keep the pose alive. fAat yoGa is about and for all of those people who need to re-acquaint themselves with their bodies and who also need to reintroduce food into their lives. I challenge you to participate and I welcome you to come along with us on this journey and really start to love mind, body and soul.
Q:30 Day Challenge--Intro, Recent Pic, 15 Facts about me
Please allow me to introduce myself (Jay Z voice) my name is Quay but im also known as Milz aka HarlemBoi, I grew up in Harlem, went to the University at Albany and I have 2 dogs lol. I lived in Albany, NY for about 9 years and recently moved to Tampa FL. I am a music lover, HUGE sports fan (Go Bills), Blogger, Writer and I love plays.
15 Facts about me:
1. I have two dogs both from past relationships a Chihuahua and a Cairn Terrier (toto)
2. I Love sports any kind all kinds if there is a competition then I'm watching
3. The Buffalo Bills are my favorite football team
4. I picture myself having a body like LL Cool J
5. The Red Bag of Doritos are my form of crack (so addicted)
6. I am an AG
7. My favorite movies are the Star Wars movies and the Wedding singer
8. The Secrete changed my life
9. My biggest fear is falling in the shower and someone finding me naked not being able to move
10. I raised my younger brother and loove my little sister
11. My friends are my family
12. I LOVEEE my god daughter so much
13. My parents used to be addicts
14. I love to laugh and joke
15. I played basketball throughout grade school and highschool
16. ok i know I said 15 questions but this one is important I get haircuts once a week POW!
15 Facts about me:
1. I have two dogs both from past relationships a Chihuahua and a Cairn Terrier (toto)
2. I Love sports any kind all kinds if there is a competition then I'm watching
3. The Buffalo Bills are my favorite football team
4. I picture myself having a body like LL Cool J
5. The Red Bag of Doritos are my form of crack (so addicted)
6. I am an AG
7. My favorite movies are the Star Wars movies and the Wedding singer
8. The Secrete changed my life
9. My biggest fear is falling in the shower and someone finding me naked not being able to move
10. I raised my younger brother and loove my little sister
11. My friends are my family
12. I LOVEEE my god daughter so much
13. My parents used to be addicts
14. I love to laugh and joke
Q:NEW LIFE
I never thought I would say this but its been a long road to recovery however, for the first time I know there is an end. Addiction has been a very serious driving force in my life, I have dedicated the past 15yrs fighting the thought of addiction. Like so many people I grew up in a household of addicts my parents were addicts, I remember telling myself on a daily basis that it would not be me. What I have realized is that the very thing that I have been so scared about, what I have been fighting against is the very thing I have become, an ADDICT. Yes people I am an Addict and it took me 15years to figure that out. My form of addiction is not in the form of drugs such as crack, cocaine, or heroin, it is also not in the form of alcohol. No my friends I am addicted to food...No, I am not sitting home and eating until I throw up, and no I am not that person you see on t.v that sat there and ate an entire pizza pie and asks for more. No my form of addiction stems from the fact that I don't ever want to have to feel hunger again. My mom did the best that she could, however, with an addiction to crack and lack of funds more times then not we (my siblings and I) were hungry. Food was always absent in our lives, where families would sit around and have big meals nightly and talk about there days, we may have eaten rice or food that my grandma would pay for. As I got older I promised that I would never go hungry again and this promise I have kept, in fact 179lbs later, yup you guessed it, I'm not hungry. There will be more of this story in the weeks, months, years to come; I invite you to take this journey with us while at the same time go on your own journey and share your stories. Day 1 starts today
C:Day 2: Meaning Behind Blog Name
From my perspective...yoga is not for fat people. period. I hear people talking about the zen moments and the emotion that comes from doing yoga practice...how I would love yoga. All I think about is how my knees hurt to get down and then back up off of the floor. For me this is a movement. Yoga is just part of the movement. Yoga is just part of the whole. Eating right is part of the whole. Exercise is part of the whole. Loving myself will make me whole. It is a process. This blog, to me, is part of that process to becoming whole.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
C:30 Day Challenge--Intro, Recent Pic, 15 Facts about me
My name is Cara and I am 1/2 of fAat yoGa (but we'll tell you about the blog tomorrow on day 2's challenge. I am the mother of an 8 year old, sister, daughter, friend, outspoken. Grew up in NY, seasoned in Indy from 19-this past year, and now work from home as a Senior Ops Engineer for a software company based in Indianapolis.
Interesting Facts -
-I love peanut butter but hate smelling it on other people's breath
-I detest cigarettes
-I <3 a guy with a great smile
-Having my daughter changed my life
-My brother is my best friend
-I have a big big butt and I love it
-I can sing but am shy about singing in front of people I do not know
-I secretly wish I went with my gut and gave my daughter the middle name of 'Bleu'
-I am a life long learner
-I have an obsession with religion...especially Christianity. I want to know the truth
-I am double jointed
-My dimples and smile are my best features
-I want to lose weight and go to a nude beach
-My favorite food is my mom's Thanksgiving stuffing
-I want to get a Brazilian wax but fear the hair grow back process
 | |||
| Pic of me |
Interesting Facts -
-I love peanut butter but hate smelling it on other people's breath
-I detest cigarettes
-I <3 a guy with a great smile
-Having my daughter changed my life
-My brother is my best friend
-I have a big big butt and I love it
-I can sing but am shy about singing in front of people I do not know
-I secretly wish I went with my gut and gave my daughter the middle name of 'Bleu'
-I am a life long learner
-I have an obsession with religion...especially Christianity. I want to know the truth
-I am double jointed
-My dimples and smile are my best features
-I want to lose weight and go to a nude beach
-My favorite food is my mom's Thanksgiving stuffing
-I want to get a Brazilian wax but fear the hair grow back process
C:New Life
Dear Food Addiction,
Part of gaining a new life or, having new things in your life, means letting go of the old. And to tell you the truth...that is scary. It has been over a decade...maybe even 15 years that I've had this food addiction. I can pinpoint the exact moment too! I had always been athletic and participated in sports in high school. I did not love love love sports, but I definitely loved how my body felt after working out and really pushing my body. It was week 2 of my freshman year @SUNYNewPaltz. I remember one of my new friends was going to workout and another friend was going to the cafeteria...I went to the cafeteria and never looked back. Over the years I have done all the fad diets, programs, points, meals, starvation, working out until you puke...nothing worked...nothing...obviously. As my daughter gets older I want to be that example to her...I want to show her that you can and should ALWAYS make time for exercise. You should always put yourself first because who are you if you can't love yourself enough to be healthy. I used to feel guilty...felt like I wasted so much time. Honestly...I had fun. You were that friend who was always there to get me through a term paper, a break up, a celebration. But...you aren't good for me. Even in good times, you are not good for me. You enable me and it is time I take that control back. Am I still hurting from my recent breakup? Yes. But I am pushing through and feeling the pain. Am I scared to walk into that first Zumba class? Yes. But I want to feel the rhythm in my body again. Am I scared that this will be another failure? Heck no and you know why?! Because you are no longer part of the equation. Food = Energy. I want good energy in order to really live the life I am meant to live.
Regards-C
Part of gaining a new life or, having new things in your life, means letting go of the old. And to tell you the truth...that is scary. It has been over a decade...maybe even 15 years that I've had this food addiction. I can pinpoint the exact moment too! I had always been athletic and participated in sports in high school. I did not love love love sports, but I definitely loved how my body felt after working out and really pushing my body. It was week 2 of my freshman year @SUNYNewPaltz. I remember one of my new friends was going to workout and another friend was going to the cafeteria...I went to the cafeteria and never looked back. Over the years I have done all the fad diets, programs, points, meals, starvation, working out until you puke...nothing worked...nothing...obviously. As my daughter gets older I want to be that example to her...I want to show her that you can and should ALWAYS make time for exercise. You should always put yourself first because who are you if you can't love yourself enough to be healthy. I used to feel guilty...felt like I wasted so much time. Honestly...I had fun. You were that friend who was always there to get me through a term paper, a break up, a celebration. But...you aren't good for me. Even in good times, you are not good for me. You enable me and it is time I take that control back. Am I still hurting from my recent breakup? Yes. But I am pushing through and feeling the pain. Am I scared to walk into that first Zumba class? Yes. But I want to feel the rhythm in my body again. Am I scared that this will be another failure? Heck no and you know why?! Because you are no longer part of the equation. Food = Energy. I want good energy in order to really live the life I am meant to live.
Regards-C
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