I don't know if this is addiction or not. But what I feel is that I have to write my brief story to let you all know that you are not alone. We ALL have issues. We ALL have something we struggle with. The complexity of my journey is hard to type out but here is how my mind sees it now...in this very moment. After this entry, I will have let it go...here it is...out to the world...
I've always prided myself on having things together. Get good grades, play sports, be a good daughter but nothing seemed right because the core of who I was, was always questioned. I am biracial and since a little girl, my 'race' has always been questioned. Adults and kids alike could not get past including or talking to me until they knew 'what are you mixed with?'. I went to predominantly white schools in the burbs so I was always the 'biggest' girl in my class. Even though my frame and weight were perfect, I was always so much bigger than my white friends. The black girls who did go to school with me accused me of being 'too white' and I always struggled to gain everyone's acceptance. So...I found my funny bone. I found my voice by sticking up for kids who got picked on...always hoping that someone would come forward and stick up for me. But alas...I was the funny black friend who was 'not like the other black girls' to my white friends and the 'black guys like you because you look white' to my black friends. The only time I felt accepted was when I was home with my mom and brother. My mother 'fed' our hurt by feeding all of us. In a world of newly introduced microwaves and processed food, being home was 'safe'...a place from all the hurt. Because I was athletic, I never worried about my weight...I seemed to eat what I wanted and never really gained weight. After high school I went away to college and, for the first time, found true acceptance because all of my new friends were made up of all kinds of mixes...eclectic white girls with hippie parents, columbian/black girls with doctors for fathers, german/chinese boys who's mothers loved me. Even with this new found love...my food consumption did not stop. It has never really stopped. Every year I gained. Because of my upbringing though, I was a confident person. I have always had an ego..you cannot tell my brother and I any different. It was a true gift my mother gave us and I have trouble understanding 'insecurity'. But that's another blog...So...eating bad and a healthy ego caused so much weight gain. I always dated, I always had a guy, always had lots of friends. Speaking of guys, one in particular became the love of my life at 19. Due to timing and working on our own careers, we were on and off for years. I am now 35 and have finally decided to be off...for good. I saw that a lot of my patterns were because of my relationship with him. He was the old me...there was no room for him in my new life. This past November, while sitting on the beach contemplating suicide, I decided to give my life one more go. Well...actually...God whispered 'why don't you give it one more go Cara? This time...you need to FEEL the hurt'. So..I got into my card, drove home and went to sleep. For the next month, I felt the hurt. I cried and cried and cried until I could cry no more. A friend came to visit and I cried with her. I was quiet with my thoughts. Then, on New Years he called. In the middle of the conversation I realized he was bating me into an argument with 10mins left until the ball dropped. In that very moment I remembered what God said on the beach...'give it one more go' and I LET GO. If you have gotten this far in my entry, I invite you to watch 'Letting Go' a youtube video I made after I let go of him. He was the last piece to let go before beginning this journey. I've been standing at one side of the river for so long, it is time I start to walk (literally) and explore the rest of my life.
Cara,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. One of the beautiful things about getting older is gaining the ability to look back analyze why we are the way we are and then now be mature enough to accept it and let go. I remember how I was involved in your race being questioned and how it actually became the basis of our friendship when we were younger.
That was a big impact in my life. I grew up in a home where race was never an issue, people were just people. That summer on the bus was a huge eye opener for me and my first introduction to how mean people can be.
The girl who started the rumor that ended in our altercation was just insecure in herself. Here we are 22 years later and that day is still in my memory as clear as day. What I remember most is how upset you were and how something that I never though about was a real issue. Unfortunately racism is real and I can not imagine how much it hurt never fitting in with either white girls or black girls. You did do a phenomenal job of masking it. Even at a young age you were always so confident and that was something I always looked up too.
When I moved from EG to AP I had the opportunity to reinvent myself and you had the qualities that I wanted to replicate and I did. So indirectly Cara, you had a huge impact on the woman I became.
I am glad that you are at a place in life where you can accept where you came from and see how it helped you shape in to the beautiful person that you have become! I look forward to reading about your journey!
Jen VS
Cara, Thank you for sharing something so deep and personal. I am looking forward to reading your blog. And I'm so thankful to have met your Mom and the influence she and your family has been on my life! Love you!
ReplyDeleteWOW! I'm sitting here not knowing what to type. I don't know why this popped into my mind, but it did so I'll type it. It is something that helped put me into perspective, or rather, how much energy should I put into getting to be me.
ReplyDeleteWe suffer one of two things. Either the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. You’ve got to choose discipline, versus regret, because discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons. – Jim Rohn,