I couldn't decide what to actually title this post and sat and thought for quite some time yet I could not find that perfect word. As I sat there and struggled with the title and struggled with putting words together it only made sense to title it just that, struggle. Throughout this journey, this process, we sit and try to evaluate everything from portion sizes, to the clothes we wear, the stores we frequent and how many times we are active throughout the day. Eventually we get to a point where a routine is formed, we become stronger while mentally fighting those never ending thoughts of giving up or over eating just that one time. I found my routine, classes in the morning, weight lifting at night, portioned controlled eating, vitamins, and hydration. This worked felt great then I was hit with a grapefruit right on the side of my head.
I was focused on mind, body and soul yet my other half felt as if I was becoming distant and made a tough decision. I did not know what to say for once I was speechless, I couldn't find the words to comfort her nor myself. I knew that distance was going to be rough but never thought about the consequences of mental distance. When you embark on the journey of becoming mentally and physically fit that journey is your journey and primarily does not include anyone else. You let people share and support you through that journey but the journey itself is your own and that will exclude people even loved ones. My loved one felt excluded I am able to write this now after assessing the situation and this in turn made all of her own insecurities to come to light. When the pressure became too much she needed to step back yet in my mind I needed her to move forward....with me.
I have always been the strong one but never put myself first, well once I did put myself first and it was when I was 18 and decided to go to college. I made that choice and lived with the guilt of leaving my brothers and sister in the city to fend for themselves. I spent years dealing with that guilt to the point where I put law school on hold and became guardian to my younger brother and distant parent to my sister. I was brought back to that same moment, that same feeling where I felt guilty that I moved, that I became occupied with myself. That guilt just about sent me running to the border (taco bell with the fake meat) and to that daymn red bag of Doritos.
I felt alone my best friends were not around for me to vent or keep me occupied, my god daughter was in the bed sleep and hell I didn't even have my dogs. So I sat in the house laying on the couch looking up at the world asking why things just couldnt be easy for me just this one time. I managed not to go the fast food route I actually went to buy the bag of Doritos however did not buy them instead a lotto ticket. Then I got sick and I hate being sick, it was 80 outside the fair was around, mentally I was out of it annnnnddd I was sick. Of course I'm a Capricorn so I still went to Power Combat and daymn near died, severely dehydrated I continued the day until I couldnt go anymore. Sunday came couldnt go to the gym I actually felt defeated and guilty that I didnt go to the gym while continuing to deal with my relationship issue.
What i am about to tell you is the reason why it is important to have good people in your life. As I sat there with my god daughters dogs looking out the window two things happened. I received and text and a call from two people who are more family and friends. My other fAat yoGa half and my best bud hit me up at that moment and said in not so few words "its ok, you need to allow yourself to heal" that was it. You know what it IS ok to heal and take a break, regroup and move forward. Since then I have been ok, I have allowed myself to fight this cold, deal with my relationship or lack there of and myself.
We all are on a journey and there are always two roads we are faced with, a right and a left, a right and a wrong but I just chose the road less traveled. I choose the road that I will create it is not a right or a left, a right or a wrong, it just my road. There are people that will take the ride til the end and there are others who will get off on certain stops but I keep moving. I keep going, you keep going, we keep going and eventually we will meet at that one rest stop and lives will be changed again.
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